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WHY? WHY does shit like this keep happening to me? I just want to find a normal guy to date, fall in love with, marry and have babies with. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes.
Recently I was matched up with a cute brunette on Tinder. His profile said he was 33 and newly single. We’ll call him BG for BI GUY. Here’s our conversation:
Me: Happy Sunday! Do anything fun this weekend?
BG: Crazy Saturday, lazy Sunday. You?
Chat, chat, chat.
Me: So, how’s Tinder treating you so far?
BG: Just got it. Woke up this morning to 100 matches! LOL! Not sure what hit me!
Me: 100 matches? Not too picky, huh? I’ve only had like 20 over the last month!
BG: Haha! Building a harem Really? You’re gorgeous! Must be different for girls.
Me: Newly single huh? Brave to jump on here!
BG: Maybe you’ll be my first?
Me: Always happy to pop an online dating cherry
Chat, chat, chat… where do you live, what do you do, etc.
A couple of days later, when it gets weird…
Me: So, how are those 100 matches treating you?
BG: Good! I think I may get to live out a few long time fantasies. (Yes, he has just sealed his fate that he is now NEVER going on a date with me.)
Me: Oh really? Like what? (Come on, like you guys didn’t want to know?!)
BG: I think this girl and guy and I are going to hook up.
Me: Ooook, then.
BG: I have a fantasy about a girl teaching me to such cock. (I’m sorry. WHAT? Maybe this is why you’re no longer with your girlfriend?)
Me: Interesting. Do you just want her to teach you or do you want to suck his cock too? (Now, I needed specifics.)
BG: I think it would be erotic if we did it together basically. Stopping, kissing each other too. All of us.
Me: So, you’re bi, right?
BG: Never tried it. Just a fantasy.
Me: Hope you have fun and that works out for you! Def think we’re looking for different things on here. Have a good Thanksgiving and travel safe!
BG: Cool. You too!
And that happened. Next!
I read some of your comments and wanted to clarify something, I’m 100% supportive of people experimenting with their sexuality. Obviously, this is something BG needed to do. The thing that is weird about this exchange is that he felt the need to tell me about it after we had talked for 10 minutes over 2 days. It was just a little too much info for a tinder chat, ya know?
It’s that time of the month again where I post some of my favorite jams. I believe that we all have a soundtrack to our lives and listen to specific music because it’s what we need in our lives at that moment. Sometimes you need a dance party, sometimes you need an anthem, sometimes you need to wallow. Either way, there is always a song for you!
This month I’m digging these two ditties.
I dated someone recently. I made him dinner, he stayed the night and I never heard from him again. I’ve since been drinking him away. Fucker.
I’ve written a couple posts about hilarious, rude, and weird messages I have gotten on online dating sites. These gems come from OkCupid. I can’t… really. How do I even respond to these?
This is totally what I look like every time I get a message.
Guy 1: “You are a great kisser and have a mouth like a trucker. That’s enough for me. What two wishes can I grant you?” Yes, I do say that I swear a lot and that people have said I’m a good kisser on my profile, but really? WTF?
Guy 2: “Hi.. Nice profile. I would like to know more about you if you dnt mind?” Typos are my number 1 no no AND my profile is pretty complete. What else do you want me to tell you online? Why not ask me something specific? What if I just responded with, “Yes, I mind.”
Guy 3: “Hello there. Hope all is well. From what I see, at least immediately, I am very happy with what I see physically. I am also a firm believer that conversation, brains and some sort of chemistry are all essential parts that make this work. I am not one to nit pick and neither am I the type that takes himself too seriously. The ability to make a joke and have a wicked sense of humor is a huge plus. I like to have a good time, explore anything and everything. Nothing is taboo, at least for the intellect.” You like what you see physically, huh? Well, good for you. You will never see it in person.
Guy 4: “Wow, you are absolutely beautiful. I would like to know more about you.” Thanks, but WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW???
Guy 5: “hi cutie, you look mixed, whats your background? do you play any where?” WHAT? I’m seriously am as white as you can get. How do you get mixed from my profile? Did you mean to send this to someone else?
Guy 6: “hello how r u? my name is jeff i was born & raised here in los angeles my nationality is syrian/lebanese but most people think im hispanic but im not looks r deceiving. once u get to know me u will see im a easy going gentle affectionate open & honest man looking for the same in a woman. would u like to chat so we can get to know each other better so we can meet sometime?” This guy looks like a serial killer.
Guy 7: “We’ve been matched! Lets chat!” 1. We were matched by who? 2. Chat about WHAT?
Guy 8: “You are a beautiful Taurus Haha! I actually did a search for Taurus because I read that they were the best for us Capricorn guys I’m not sure how much I should read into it though but its definitely fun to think about.” Good luck with finding a Taurus! I’m a Virgo.
Guy 9: “This may sound random, but you are really cute …I would love to take you out sometime and get to know you better ” It didn’t sound random until you said “This may sound random.” PS. He’s 24.
Guy 10: “You are a pretty lady. can I be your slave? I can follow your orders and please you.” Christian Grey you are not. Seriously, he had no picture and his profile was gone by the time I got this message.
If you follow me on Twitter (my social media lifeline @MyLifeOnMatch), you know that I’m over texting and dating. A few things to get off my chest…
1. Guys, don’t send a “Thanks for the fun date! Can’t wait to do it again!” text unless you mean it. Otherwise, that just makes you an asshole when you think you’re being a nice guy. Just don’t send anything at all and we’ll get the idea pretty damn quick that you weren’t into us.
2. If you’re dating someone (more than one date) and they text you, fucking reply. Otherwise we assume you’re dead, because why else wouldn’t you be responding to us? You wanted to go on more than one date, didn’t you? You took us out to dinner and now you just want to disappear? Man up and tell us you’re not into us. We can take it.
3. Just say what you want to say. Stop pussy footing around dating. Either you want to see us or you don’t. If you do, make a plan! If you don’t, tell us you’re not into it and move on. We tell guys we’re not into them all the time and are still alive to tell the tale.
Ok, my rant is over… kinda. I’ve been dating this guy who I REALLY liked the last few weeks and looking back on it now, I was a DUMB girl. He only texted reactively, never planned anything, and just overall wasn’t that into me, but I couldn’t see it. The problem was that the few dates we went on were the best dates I’ve EVER been on. All amazing. Great conversation, great activities, great physical chemistry. Apparently, he didn’t agree. So after not seeing him for 2 weeks after our last INCREDIBLE date (where I made dinner!), I texted him this week to see what was up. He has yet to respond. We texted all last week and everything was great, so you can understand my confusion.
So, of course after not hearing back, I was 100% sure he was dead in a ditch somewhere (because that made me feel better than thinking he didn’t want to text me back!) Last night I went to play on Tinder, checked out his profile and saw that he had been active within the last hour. Well, if he wasn’t dead before, he’s dead to me now. I’ve moved on from my sad place to my pissed place, which is a much better environment for me to be in.
Maybe I should just start dating Aziz Ansari. I know he’ll text me back!
And as if you need more funny video today, check out Girls Are Assholes. This “girls in a bar” video is hilarious. I can’t wait for them to come out with more. You can follow them at @NokatComedy on Twitter.
If you follow me on twitter, you’ve seen my tweets about eHarmony. I’ve always been a fan of the site. They have great customer service, an good interface, great PR people, etc. but I have NEVER had any luck with them. I decided to give them one last try when a good girlfriend of mine who had never online dated before went on eHarmony, got matched on the second day with a cute guy (and her only online date ever) and married him 5 months later.
So, I joined with a 6-month subscription hoping for the best. Over the last 6 months I have been matched with hundreds of guys. There are only 20 that I would even consider dating. I have reached out to all 20 of them and not heard back from ANYONE. 5 guys have proactively reached out to me. Think that’s shitty? Try this… more than half of my matches haven’t been active in OVER A MONTH. We all know what that means… they aren’t paying for the site anymore and aren’t going to be looking at your profile or getting your messages anyway. They probably met someone in a bar and are getting sex on the reg.
So, I emailed eHarmony (3 times!) about my online dating concerns with their site and never heard back. I finally called this morning. This is what they told me…
Me: I’m really concerned. I have been on your site for 6 months and haven’t had any communication let alone a date.
EH: Let me look into it… your profile looks great!
Me: That’s fantastic, but according to your site, no one even looks at it.
EH: Well, you’re doing everything right.
Me: Ok, thanks. So, it’s just that no one wants to date me?
EH: Let me look into this.
Me: Tweeting my disgust for eHarmony…
EH: I had a couple other people look at your profile and we all agree that it is great. I’m a guy and would totally communicate with you.
Me: Well, that’s great, but you’re not one of my matches, so that does me no good.
EH: I don’t know what else to tell you. Reach out to more people and good luck!
Me: Fucking fabulous. Thanks.
In my other life, I’ve been dating someone for a couple of weeks who doesn’t plan ahead… 2 weeks in between dates and only reactive texts (yes, guys I know… this is why he has been deleted from my phone). It blows. They are the best dates I’ve EVER been on, but as I learned from Justin Long in He’s Just Not That Into You…
It’s 10:30am in LA and I think I’m going to open a bottle of wine. Cheers!
For some reason I’m feeling super sentimental and emotional this month. Not sure what it is… the holidays around the corner? Mercury is finally heading out of retrograde? But, either way, I’ve been digging some mellower music this month. I started listening to this song last month and have had it on repeat ever since… [...]
It went something like this… Luc (named change to protect the uncircumcised) and I had been dating a couple of weeks and were taking things slow. After our first date, I learned he was born in England and moved around a lot as a child. About a week into dating, I was home watching a rerun of [...]
I LOVE the post date text. Seriously. I don’t think anything is better than when you go on a great date and you hear from the guy you left a couple of hours later. It means he’s still thinking about you and had a good time too. But, this week I’m, for the first time, [...]
I'm cute, 30-ish, single, successful and live in Los Angeles. I've been online dating on and off for a few years now and have some stories that need to be shared. Ever paid for a date because someone "forgot" their wallet? Ever had someone only want to talk to you via IM? Ever been stalked by an online date via text message hours after you've met them? I have...