“I Just Don’t Feel Connected to You” says, Limp Dick

By far, one of my favorite Match.com stories ever! And yes, this is ALL TRUE!

About a year ago, I met an amazing guy on Match. He was cute, funny, had a good job, met my minimal requirements, etc. Lets call him “Dick,” as in Limp Dick.
Dick and I had our first date at a local dive bar. It was empty when we arrived. We chatted for an hour over Stellas and hit it off. Within the next 12 hours Dick texted me that he had a great time and wanted to hang out again.
Before I knew it, we were BBMing all day and were chatting constantly. Dick also had a twisted, but funny, sense of humor and would send me ecards saying things like, “You’re someone I could really see myself sleeping with sober.” I was thrilled that he felt like he could be himself around me.
Date two was sushi (he paid!) and a little make out session. We had great chemistry! Yay!
Date three, in week three of us knowing each other, was very relationshipy. He asked me to go to a friend’s play with him. I met him at his house and from there we went to dinner and then to the play. Afterwards we hung out with his friends at a local bar. Back to his house for another PG makeout session and then I headed home. Again, great chemistry. He was a very passionate kisser, pulled hair, bossed me around. It felt great to be girly.
Then came date four. By date four I was wondering why Dick hadn’t tried any major moves on me yet. Did he not want to sleep with me or was he being that nice guy who wanted to wait? Ah, being a woman dating is tough. If someone doesn’t want to sleep with us immediately we either think they are gay or don’t like us. But, if they jump us, we think they are just trying to get us into bed. I get that we can be confusing!
Date four was right before Valentine’s Day. We had only been hanging out for a few weeks so I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I thought I would keep it low key and made him dinner at my place. It was a “school” night, so he came over after work around 6. We ate dinner and then he said he had to get home to pack, do laundry as he was leaving for the weekend. Bummed and confused again, I walked him to his car and said goodbye. Before he left he gave me a Valentine’s Day card and candy. Super sweet card, nice guy, with a funny edge, I thought that this relationship definitely had potential.
Then, came date five. Ah, Date five. A date that will go down in history as one of the weirdest dates in my entire life. We started off the night at a great little italian bistro. There we shared a bottle of wine and caught up on the week. He told me that he was getting off Match and thought that maybe we could be exclusive. OMG. I was thrilled!!
After dinner, with stars in my eyes, we headed back to my place. On the way in he stopped by his car and grabbed a backpack. When I asked him what was in it, he said, “clothes and stuff for tomorrow. I was thinking we could get naked tonight.”
WOO HOO finally on the right page!
We headed to the house and into my room. Within a few minutes we were fooling around and clothes were flying. Unfortunately, something else was not even at half mast. So, I went downtown to assess the situation… was it all the wine we had? Hmmm…
After 90 seconds down there with nothing happening I looked back up at him. He had the look… Ah, uh, uh, huhuhuhuhu… and he came. Soft. After a 90 second BJ, Limp Dick came.
Shocked, I didn’t know what to say. Has anyone else EVER heard or seen that happen? My response, “Wow, I must be good!”
I headed off to the bathroom to clean up and take a moment after what just transpired. WHAT. THE. HELL. JUST. HAPPENED???
I got back to my room, and Dick was sleeping. Well, I’m glad he’s resting comfortably! I proceeded to watch a movie and rerun what had happened over and over in my mind.
So, at 6am the next morning, still shocked and unsatisfied, I tried for round two. Eff this, I am getting something out of this!
I pounced on him like a lion on her prey. Still, NOTHING. It was semi-soft, but was still not something a girl could work with. And then while naked and trying my best to make the most of the morning, this came out of his mouth… “I just don’t feel connected to you.”
I literally started laughing. “You don’t feel connected to me? You looked pretty connected to me last night when you came after the 90 second blow job.” Yes, I know I’m mean, but I was pissed. He was blaming this on me??
Dick: “I think I’m gonna go.” He packed up his back pack and sent an “I’m sorry. I wish I was more into you” text.
I went back to sleep for a few hours and then called EVERYONE I knew asking if this is normal and if they have ever heard of being able to come while soft. I even Googled it. It remains a mystery, but at least I’m confident in my SKILLZ.
He was back on Match.com the next morning and we were still a 100% match.

7 Comments

  1. ho. ly. crap.

    this reminds me of what my friend's refer to as my BSE (bad sexual experience). tiny penis, covered in BUSHELS of hair, 15 second sex and a "Oh you're still here?" in the morning.

    dude, when you're that bad at sex, dont try to play it off like youz a playa. hold onto any girl that likes you even a little bit.

  2. How have I not found you until now? I'm sitting in my office at 7:14pm reeeeally wanting to go home but I can NOT pry myself away from your blog.

    This post had me sitting up, shaking my head – mouth agape, hands in the air wondering W…. T… F…????

    A) I didn't know that was possible.

    B) "I just don't feel connected to you"??? Whuck?!?!

    There are no words to describe my confusion…. I'm baffled.

  3. Just discovered Ur fabulous blog, yesterday, so plz forgive my commenting on your archived articles! Omgosh – I so had the same exact thing happen to me. And ya, I got the nothing-unusual-going-on-here aftereffect… I was gagging and scrubbing myself down for hours trying to make sense of what had happened. Yuck!

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