I’ve been dating for almost 20 years now and every year dating get more complicated than it was before! The other day while I was getting ready to head out to a movie, I came across the movie He’s Just Not That Into You on TV. I’ve read the book and seen the movie a few times, but for some reason, this scene really hit home with me today…
Now, I know… let him come to you. But, if one more person tells me the minute I stop looking I will find someone, I will stab that person in the eye with a pen. I’ve done the not looking and the looking… still haven’t found him. But, that’s not the point… the point is are all these technologies helping or hurting the dating game? I have a couple of thoughts on this…
How they’re helping!
Pro 1: A few months ago, I was talking to a guy almost strictly via text. Not my thing, but I was willing to try something new. Something happened via text… I was able to say things I probably wouldn’t say in person or on the phone. I was able to open up about myself, ask questions, and get closer to a person faster than I ever had before… ALL VIA TEXT. What I didn’t anticipate was that this closeness wouldn’t translate into “real life.” You know, when we actually had to hang out in person. When it came to a date we had a great time, but there was a wall up that would come down the second we would leave each other and would resume our digital lives. It was unexpected, exciting, and even a bit jarring. For someone who is in a field where all I do is communicate, I found it odd and somewhat freeing that I was able to get so close to someone so quickly by texting. (Note: This all ended VERY badly. He wanted more, there was some seriously bad kissing, I texted his friend, he got mad at me, he stopped texting me, I called him a bad friend… he now has a girlfriend and is very happy. Yay for them.)
Pro 2: Before I did it, I didn’t understand the allure of sexting. Why the need for the extra steps? Can’t you just hook up in person? NO. The answer is NO. No. No. No. There is something hot and little dangerous about sexting. The idea of sending a naughty sext in the middle of a conference call? I’m not gonna lie… it’s hot and I kinda love it. It has to be done with the right person that knows your boundaries, but it definitely is fun. Also, if you’re not in a relationship with someone, it makes things fun. You never know what is going to happen. (Read more here… My Sexting Cherry Has Been Popped)
How they’re hurting!
Con 1: Where do I begin? There are just so many cons. The first one? FACEBOOK. I think Facebook is the devil. With Facebook you can spy like on someone like a crazy ex-girlfriend. You can see where someone has been and who they’ve been with. You can see them rejecting you in front of your face. Example: You were thinking he might ask you out this weekend? Joke’s on you… he just checked into La Quinta resort for the weekend with an entourage of girls and guys. Is he there with one of them? You won’t know until he posts again (or until one of the girl’s there tags him). Argh!
Con 2: Texting can be so ambiguous. I went out with a guy this weekend. I really like him… cute, nice, kinda of an asshole, has his shit together, actually CALLED me on the phone to nail down our plans, but his texts need the CIA to decode. I always like to send the “thank you” text after a fun date. So, yesterday I texted “thanks again for a fun afternoon. So glad we met up 
” He texted back with “Yes, fun times. Such a nice day.” WTF does that mean?!? No more thank you texts from me!
Con 3: Social media, texting, etc. just leads to excuses. Someone actually said this to me the other day… “I didn’t reach out because it looked like you were having such a busy week on FB, I didn’t think you’d be around.” SERIOUSLY? Be a man and just tell me you don’t want to go out with me. (No. I’m normally not FB friends with someone I’m dating, but this is someone I have been friends with a long time that I got drunk and accidentally made out with. Oops!)
Con 4: There are just too many ways to reject someone… email, vm, text, Facebook, etc. you get the idea. Hell, who can’t forget when Burger broke up with Carrie on a post-it? ”The mother fucker is concise!”
So, have I gotten on board with the digital ways of dating? Yes. Do I wish there was an easier way of doing things yes? I yearn for the days when a man could buy you with a cow and you were done. No looking, no choices, but you were done.
What are your pros and cons of dating and technology today? Talk amongst yourselves…
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve avoided social media for the most part because from the beginning it seems more a curse than blessing in many ways. It has made casual dating almost unbearable because it’s a lot like being pinned down by lojack. Almost impossible to keep one’s movements private. Hard to date more than one person at a time and figure out as you go along where there’s potential. It seems like too much of an all or nothing proposition that the social media connection creates. Also, the social code that has developed is ridiculously juvenile where it’s perfectly ok not to ever pick up the phone or respond to a voicemail but somehow it’s not ok to let a text go unresponded for a few minutes? Those contradictions not for me. From a relationship-building standpoint, everything mentioned in your post is a huge obstacle in getting one off the ground to begin with. The weirdest thing for me has always been the depth of the conversation, topics covered, etc. prior to meeting someone, only to find out later that 99% of the time the personal meeting can’t match up to expectations. It’s classic case of too much too soon, but instead of sex being the obstacle, it’s intimate details about your life before you even meet the person. Then you get there and realize you either don’t have chemistry, or so much has been shared on the screen or via text that you know a lot about someone you’ve barely even shaken hands with or spoken to. It can make for a lot of awkwardness, even amongst good conversationalists. There is something to be said for the newness of it all, the small talk that leaves you wanting for more. I’m glad to be old enough to remember the awkwardness after a casual hook-up being the worst kind of awkwardness to go through. The awkwardness of sharing a lot of personal details with someone with whom you later don’t mesh is far worse, IMHO. I’ve been reading and commenting awhile now, Emily. I dig the blog and you seem great but I dunno, maybe you just like the wrong type of guy for you?
Ah, PFC, so much to respond to but, I’m going to leave you with this… I used to have a type. I gave up on that type about 2 years ago when I finally came to the painful conclusion that it wasn’t working out for me. This type was tall, cocky, athletic, sarcastic, etc. You get the idea. Picture an agent from Entourage and that’s normally what I dated. Since then I’ve dated artists, bankers, designers, musicians, lawyers, and the unemployed. I’ve dated guys with roommates, guys who live alone, guys who live at home, guys who are on tour. So, now my problem isn’t my type, my problem is finding someone I have the chemistry with and want to spend more than an hour talking to.
There’s nothing wrong with technology, it has made life so easy for everyone.
The problem solely lies with the dating community; in the good old days a man or a woman would approach that person(s) they felt attracted to and would confess their feelings or break the ice with a bouquet of flowers, ask to go out for a meal, straight up go out on a date period.
Here’s the problem; everyone hides behind their digital devices and expect these folks to come running at the front door like ordering a pizza. It’s pathetic not to mention everyone has fear in their hearts of being hurt emotionally or physically, back in the day we met that person and spent time getting to know them and learn what makes them tick.
Why do you think the sex industries are booming in the multi-media market? Porn and Vibrators are filling the void of good old fashion kiss, touching, caressing, licking, fondling, and all the fun things only human flesh could do. Think about it!
Great comment! Totally agree!