If you follow me on Twitter you know that I started the year off sick. I got that cold that everyone has which turned into pneumonia and I am just now finally able to drink again! And to me, the ability to drink again means I have the ability to date again!
In these weeks off from my normal social life I hit up the dating sites like it was my job. I was on the couch and BORED. I started off the year solo and sick which means that it could only get better! Right? I was wrong. I will now walk you through my date last Thursday which will now be known as… “The Unhappiest of Happy Hours.”
(This is what I was thinking throughout my entire date. I might have made this face too.)
Over the last few days I met and started chatting with a guy we’ll call Lost Boy (aka. one of Peter Pan’s friends). Lost Boy looked cute in his pics and in our chats seemed harmless. He just moved here from the midwest and was looking for a tour guide. I was born and raised in LA and thought I could fill that job perfectly! His Tinder profile had 4 images and only one where I could really see his face. It said he was 36, and read “Aries, shit talker, just moved to LA. Looking to meet some cool people and see what LA has to offer. Work in lighting and have a flexible schedule!” (or something like that) After a day of chatting, Lost Boy asked if I wanted to get a drink. YES! He asked me out without being prompted – woo hoo!
Our date… He insisted on meeting at a dive bar in Venice Beach. Now, for those of you who live in LA know there are a couple nice, trendy parts of Venice and then there is Venice Pier. Sorry if I sound super snobby, but Venice Pier is gross. Lots of homeless people and tourists and obviously, not the best date spot (unless it’s summer and you’re day drinking/people watching). But, I didn’t say anything since he was nice enough to ask me out and was taking the reigns. We decided to meet at the bar around 6pm. He kept claiming they have a great Happy Hour! (Which I now know was code for cheap drinks.)
He called me about 15 minutes before the date asking me where I was going to park. I told him I would figure it out, but that I could always valet if nothing was around. He then told me he normally parks at restaurant 3 blocks away and walks because it’s free and $6 is way too much for parking! Ok, in all fairness I totally get that. Coming from the midwest, parking can be expensive, but really? (FYI, I ended up parking at a meter a block away.)
I’m standing outside the bar and this guy (apparently my date), cruises up on his skateboard. We say hi, hug, and head upstairs to grab a drink. We order a couple of beers and then I watch as happy hour takes a dramatic turn for disaster.
Now, I have learned on dates that guys tend to have a much better time if you let them talk about themselves. So, that’s what I did. I asked 3 major questions…
1. So, what brought you out to LA?
Lost Boy: “Well, see? There’s this girl.” (WHAT?!?) He then went into a 15 minute story that went something like this… “I found the girl I was going to marry at a party last summer. We dated for 5 months and were in LOVE. She got a job in LA. We were going to move here together. Her house sold first. She moved. My house didn’t sell. She found a new boyfriend in LA! I finally sold my house and moved here. I’ve tried to make contact with my one true love this past week, but she isn’t having it. At 42, I was ready to settle down, but I guess she wasn’t.”
1.5. 42? (wha-wha-WHAT?)
Lost Boy: “Oh yeah… I’m 42. Is that a problem? I put 36 because I look and act young.” (OMG.)
2. So, you do lighting for work? That’s so cool!
Lost Boy: “Oh, that’s right! Yes, that’s what I told you! (WHAT THE FUCK?) I actually am a drummer. I was in a reggae band. We even played for 2,500 people at a festival once! I also DJ for weddings on the side. I also helped out at a science museum part-time too. I figured I’d try something new. I wanted to buy some pedicabs, but now that I’m here that doesn’t make a lot of sense. So, on Monday (our date was Thursday), I met a guy and he hired me to help with a commercial shoot doing lighting. So…”
3. What’s your family like?
Lost Boy: “I have no family.”
3.5. Oh my God! I’m so sorry. Really? No family?
Lost Boy: “Well, I was adopted when I was a baby. My mom died a few years ago and my dad got to be handicapped as he was older. I lived with him and took care of him the last few years until he killed himself on the patio while I was home. My brother didn’t help at all, so he’s dead to me too.” (This is the MAJORLY shortened version of a 20 minute super sad, unhappy, happy hour story.)
On that note, 90 minutes had gone by and he hadn’t asked about me once. I said it was nice meeting him and if he ever needed any tips in LA to give me a holler! I’m a pretty harmless dater… LA is going to eat this guy alive.
So, that’s how my year is starting off… it can only get better right?
PS. If you haven’t checked it out yet, please visit my new sister site to My Life on Match called My Life on Tinder. No date stories there, but some profile pics that will make your day. I post a new Tinder Fail every weekday.