What’s Up With The Married Men on Tinder?

by Emily Macintosh on February 4, 2014

Yes, I know married men are all over the online dating scene, but is it me or are they just getting more and more open about the fact that they are married and looking for a fuck buddy more than ever before?

o-MEN-CHEAT-facebook

A few weeks ago my girlfriend texted me and said, “OMG this married guy just asked me out on Tinder” and she sent me a screengrab.  I was playing around on Tinder anyways and he popped on my screen.  I, of course, swiped right to see if he was just down for anyone.  Of course, we matched instantly.

Seeing that I have a blog (and a thirst to understand the crazy world we live in) I figured I would chat with the guy a little bit to get a better understanding of what he was doing on the site and what he was looking for.  Please note, I WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY HOOK UP, SLEEP WITH, OR DATE A MARRIED MAN. Here’s our convo:

John: Would you consider seeing a married man? (Obviously, he just cut and pasted this sentence to everyone he matched with.)
Me: Married? How long? And why are you looking outside your marriage?
John: No sex life at home.
Me: Does your wife know you’re on here?
John: No
Me: So, it would be cheating, no? Do you have kids? (Again, a married man is obviously a NO go for me, but I’m trying to understand why a married man would go on something like Tinder to just get laid.)
John: Yes
Me: You have kids???
John: Yes, I have two.
Me: Ok, so I know sex is important (I totally get it!), but is it worth ruining your family over? I’m sure you’ve matched with a decent amount of people – are there people really interested in having sex with something who’s married? I’ve had my run-ins with married men, but that was because they didn’t tell me they were married.
John: I want to be honest up front. Most women get offended.
Me: You don’t say! I’m just trying to understand what you’re looking for. Just sex? Or are you looking for a cheerleader? Companionship?
John: Nope. Just sex.
Me: Have you had any positive responses?
John: No (Good work girls!)
Me: So, if you’re just looking to get laid, why are you on something so public?
John: Not my real pic. It’s a famous person that people tell me I remind them of.
Me: Do you live in LA?
John: No. Orange County. That’s why I’m looking for something in LA.
Me: (I was turning into Dr. Phil!) Have you ever cheated on your wife before? Why not try counseling or just get a divorce?
John: We do counseling, but she doesn’t want to talk about sex. (At this point, I want this guy to hand his phone to his wife so I can tell her she needs to step it up in the bedroom since her husband is actively online looking to cheat on her.)
Me: You need to tell her how important sex is to you if you want to remain married.
John: It’s really important, but too hard to talk about.
Me: Think about it… is it easier to talk about than having to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce because Daddy decided to fuck someone he met on the internet? Sorry, just trying to be real. (BTW, I have NO idea why this guy is still talking to me, but now I feel like I need to fix him.)
John: I think we need to talk about making our marriage open.
Me: Hmmm… okay then. Are you okay with her sleeping with someone else?
John: I think so. I don’t know.
Me: Well, there you have it. A few more words of wisdom, don’t do something you’re going to regret and get off Tinder. You wouldn’t want someone treating your daughter the way you’re treating your wife.
John: I have 2 sons (yes, this guys becomes more douchey by the second).
Me: That doesn’t make a difference. BTW. You matched with 2 of my other girlfriends tonight (seriously). You’re obviously, not very picky either!
John: Are you sitting around with your gf’s all on Tinder?
Me: No. They all texted me about the creepy married guy who was looking to get laid.
John: Really? That seems weird! (Yes, we’re the weird ones!) I did click on a lot of people and I know I’m not what you’re looking for, but you are really beautiful.
Me: Thanks, but no thanks. Don’t cheat on your wife.

Radio silence.

So, that is why one married guy is online. I get it, but I really don’t. Thoughts?

{ 157 comments… read them below or add one }

OnceMarried February 4, 2014 at 9:53 pm

Tough subject. Guy should have tried Ashley Madison. Maybe this will give some insight to what the average guy is thinking. So….after the house is purchased, children are born, SUV in the driveway and dog’s in the yard, dude winds up at bottom of the food chain. You finally get to the point where you can make it work on one income so she can stay home with the kids. Soon after, she is frustrated by staying home with the kids, because for some reason she thought every day would be like going to Disneyland. Everyone’s tired, focus is on children, wifey who used to look at you like THAT now just sees the dummy she lives with who pays the bills. Maybe even lets herself go a little bit. You wake up at the crack of dawn to go to the gym before work, work a 10 hour day, commute 2 hours, and all you hear when you get home is how little time she has to herself. You wonder what happened to that ass that looked so good in jeans and that girl you loved to fuck. You become the recipient of more complaints than you are interested in hearing. You go from being a pretty smart, desirable guy to the one who can’t get anything right. Don’t matter if you are the CEO or the mailman. The downslide is gradual and mostly unspoken. No one means harm…other stuff just gets in the way, other priorities (mainly children) take over and you take for granted the other person still loves/wants you. Women are more guilty of this than men…they assume once they’ve landed you and the 2 karats are on the finger and daddy has walked you down the aisle, the next “goal” can be focused on. So they try a little less…small things…no hug at the door, dinner’s not even close to being on the table (nothing is even in the fridge), laundry ain’t done (daddy gets to do on the weekends), kids are spoiled as hell and eat like shit. You love your kids, love your wife, love your house, don’t really want a whole lot to change…you just want to have sex with someone who wants to do it for the sake of it, and WITH YOU. Amazing how that ONE FACTOR makes the other things totally workable. But all of that AND no regular sex? Forget it. At the beginning, we all say “that won’t be me”….but it winds up being the majority of people. Mostly, it seems to be a general lack of consideration for the one you are supposed to love the most. On both sides, but this is a guy’s perspective. Most guys don’t want to ruin their families or even leave their wives, and many times still loves greatly. For some, the loss of relevancy, both in and out of the bedroom is too much… and the lure of getting your dick wet is like heroin to a junkie. So they roll the dice until it comes up snake eyes. Single women, this is no joke, and you will hear this time and time again – just keep up with the blowjobs and regular sex, and everything else will be fine. Start to take it for granted, always make hubby the last priority, and see what happens. He winds up a Tinder-loser, but a Tinder-loser with his dick in someone else.

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Emily Macintosh February 5, 2014 at 12:53 am

Wow! What a comment! I’m assuming this is you? Thank you for taking the time to get all of that down and share. I know the grass is definitely always greener! But, you had some great words of wisdom… “Single women, this is no joke, and you will hear this time and time again – just keep up with the blowjobs and regular sex, and everything else will be fine.”

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Dead Man Walking April 3, 2014 at 3:30 am

BRAVO!!!!

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DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:00 pm

Dude. You are a typical douche. And there are so many out there. Cry me a friggin’ river. Male or female who hasn’t felt that way some time or another. Stop your crying. If you are looking to your wife for the solution I feel sorry for her. Get off your ass and get a hobby. After all, you, my friend are at least 50% responsible for your situation (probably more).

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JoeSomebody April 21, 2014 at 7:06 pm

DeeGee – Most of us DO have hobbies…it’s called fucking other women. Once is speaking for a lot of guys out there. With that attitude, don’t be surprised when YOUR man is out banging others.

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DeeGee April 21, 2014 at 8:43 pm

Joe, you ass spelunking limey bastard. I am a dude. I feel sorry for the gals in the UK – pale, skinny men with green crooked teeth. I think I am in the upper percentile of cocks-man if I have given anywhere from 75-100 women the pleasure of getting their womb beaten by my meat stick. And for every one woman I slept with there are at least 2 or 3 I turned away. So listen up.

I am not bragging when I tell you that I can take one look at a woman – ANY woman – and know how she would be in bed. In a word – unsatisfying. I have rarely – if ever – been surprised. What did surprise me was the sex was not that fulfilling. But I do have a conscience. After a session with one of those little cum dumpsters I would look in the mirror and feel empty. Breaking hearts is a bitch.

So I married for love. And have been happy for the most part. Things ebb and flow but to this point I believe I made the right decision. Not to say that I haven had misgivings and doubts about a lot of things. I traded sex for a great family, a very good living and I guess I can say that I have accomplished something when I say that the consequences of divorce far outweigh getting laid. Plus I have developed – compared to you other butt plugs – an unusual amount of self discipline.

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AmenHallelujah April 22, 2014 at 8:34 pm

One of the great unknown truths and one of the great disappointments of my life is to find out that basically EVERY woman is the exact same in bed. Like DG, I have possessed my fair share of the fairer sex. Often, the hottest ones were the most boring and the quietest ones the most wild. Out of the 100+ women I have bedded, perhaps 5 are memorable. And they were all too crazy to hang on to for any kind of long term. So I also married for “love” and made the tradeoffs described above. It’s an odd conundrum – it’s difficult to ever satisfy the need for new pussy – and yet even new experiences don’t live up to the advance billing most of the time.

Emily Macintosh April 22, 2014 at 7:24 pm

Ok kids, please play nice in the sandbox.

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Chris Adams April 17, 2014 at 2:45 am

Hallelujah!!
This is my story, almost exactly and I’m in Australia!
Thanks for saying this man, it’s as if many women just don’t want to hear the truth.
Havent heard anything about the wives who invite strangers into their bed while hubby is away at work. Sisters stick together though eh….

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Emily Macintosh April 22, 2014 at 7:27 pm

I’ll happily point out that women are doing this too! I’m just not seeing them on Tinder.

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marc May 30, 2014 at 3:35 pm

I completely agree with this comment. I am a 39 year old guy who has been married for the last 15 years. I have a couple of kids, a great job, I love my wife but there is NO SEX happening in our relationship. I do all of the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. I feel like I have been taken for granted and therefore I have started to despise my wife for doing so. She doesn’t like to talk about sex and turns me down everytime I ask for it. We have sex when it is convenient for her, which may be once or twice a month if I am lucky. I am a good looking guy, I eat right and stay in shape. I would have no issue with dating women as I am told quite a bit that I am very attractive by other women. The thing that keeps me from cheating or leaving is the fear of breaking up my marriage and what that would do to my kids. Again, besides the lack of sex, everything else is pretty hunky dory, but sometimes the attention from another woman and the idea of fucking someone else becomes too much to resist…and fuck you DeeGee

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BeachJunkie July 17, 2014 at 6:23 pm

Marc, spot-on… and fuck you DeeGee.

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jonny August 22, 2014 at 12:32 am

She is probably doing another dude. Sorry bit it sounds very fishy. To all you bitter women here… everyone has thier own circumstances. Life is very tough amd dealing with personal realtionshios are the toughest. Sometimes you feel trapped no matter how beautiful your spouse is on the outside (mine is gorgeous) sometimes the love just isnt there because of all the othet bad crap in the relationship. Divorce then you say? Su re let me give you 1/2 of all my hard earned mobey and go our seperate ways amd let me take years to recover financially from it. Yeah… you women are not the same person we married you are pretty much screaming needy shrews once you get that ring on your finger amd then you emasulate us with all your whining. Just telling it like it is. There are of course exceptuons to the rulw amd I have seem a handful of couples that somehow make it work. Far in few in betweem im afriad.

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HesBarkingUpTheWrongTree February 4, 2014 at 9:57 pm

Sad that this guy is literally dumping his feelings to a stranger on some dating/hookup app than to his wife or better yet a therapist. I really hope that the women on there stick to their guns and no one gets with him. Sigh….losing faith in men altogether, but esp the married ones with the wandering eye! Gross!

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Emily Macintosh February 5, 2014 at 12:54 am

Crazy, right? I just felt like I needed to understand why married men troll dating sites.

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DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:04 pm

Congratulations sweetheart. There is a club for women who expect marriage or the woman, or both, will somehow change a man. Its called Divorce.

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Emily Macintosh April 22, 2014 at 7:21 pm

I don’t think anyone or anything can change a person.

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EastCoastHookUp February 4, 2014 at 10:57 pm

Don’t mind hooking up with married guys. They buy you stuff, aren’t around too much and really know what they are doing. Fits my lifestyle and I have all the power. And some of them are HOT!

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Emily Macintosh February 5, 2014 at 12:55 am

To each is their own, but I’m curious… how old are you? And did your parents get a divorce?

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Jason March 3, 2014 at 10:14 pm

Emily, that’s a lot to infer from somebody just because she is more open than you. What does her parents having a divorce have anything to do with what she said?

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Emily Macintosh March 3, 2014 at 10:54 pm

Jason, it has nothing to do with being more open – I’m all for women being empowered sexually, but this is about breaking up a marriage.

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Green-eyed boy April 4, 2014 at 5:07 pm

It’s only about breaking up a marriage if it causes the marriage to break up. A release valve for hubby might actually keep the marriage together longer.

For most of history the institution of marriage has been about money and raising children. We have developed unrealistic expectations that it will also provide a lifetime of sexual and emotional fulfillment. It’s those unreasonable expectations, IMO, that have caused the divorce rate to rise.

DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:07 pm

Really? Assuming EastCoastHookUp really is on the east coast consider your question answered. But seriously Emily, are you that retarded or naive? I hope you are just a smart ass.

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PrinceFuckingCharming February 6, 2014 at 8:52 pm

Whoa boy, heavy topic. What Once describes is a guy’s nightmare scenario, the one you hear about from your buddies or in the gym locker room from the married guys. I think some people who have had LTRs can kinda relate. People get lazy. Hard to settle down here in Bimbo City. Want to have kids but don’t want the entitled wife.

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Izzy February 7, 2014 at 12:56 am

Don’t know who you’re dating Prince. Quality women looking for quality guys, maybe you have too much player vibe? Got gross married guys looking for a fling all the time. They seem to be everywhere. They should stay home with their wives and leave the single girls alone.

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DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:09 pm

Izzy, the same can be said for women. Way too many female pots calling the male pots black.

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SydneyL February 7, 2014 at 8:02 pm

Girls are we all living the same life? Can’t find a decent single guy to save my life but get propositioned by married guys. What gives and what happened to those fun, normal guys like the ones we were friends with in high school and college? Are they all creeps or is that all that’s left by the time you hit 27? Help

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Emily Macintosh February 13, 2014 at 10:27 pm

NO JOKE! I have so many attractive, successful, amazing, single female friends who can’t find a man to save their lives. Everyone we should and would like to be dating is looking for a 22 yr old. Blows my mind.

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Bob L March 19, 2014 at 6:33 pm

What goes around comes around. The girls I wanted to date in high school were looking for 22 yr. olds. I’m sure you’ll make some 40-something very happy.

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Emily Macintosh April 3, 2014 at 8:00 pm

ha! So true :)

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Schwartzie February 10, 2014 at 10:47 pm

Only reason for a guy to get married is to have children. OnceMarried speaks truth more than you know. Bitches get boring and sick of your shit after awhile. If you need a little side action slam piece to get you through a spot, so be it. I know more women than men steppin’ out so alls fair in love and war. Sex with new people makes the world go round. Or E-Mac goin back to the well with the oldie but goodie.

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Emily Macintosh February 13, 2014 at 10:23 pm

#truth

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Green-eyed boy April 4, 2014 at 5:09 pm

Spot-on

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Penny lover February 11, 2014 at 10:17 pm

I hope I never get that cynical. What happened to a little romance and some understanding between partners? A little tenderness and some compromise can go a long way to keeping the flame alive. Then again, I’m not married so what do I know.

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In the Same Boat March 4, 2014 at 8:20 pm

It appears the author doesn’t have kids, and thus doesn’t know the excruciating trade-off between achieving personal happiness through affection/love/sex and the utter unhappiness of not living under one roof with your kids.

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Emily Macintosh March 4, 2014 at 8:42 pm

You’re right, I don’t have kids. But, I do have a dad that cheated on my mom growing up and it ruined our family.

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DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:14 pm

Emily, your dad was a fool. For getting caught. The ITSB, consider yourself lucky. For the rest of your life you can dream of the riches and success you sacrificed for your family rather than living the alternate life and realize the dreams were just that.

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Someone November 30, 2015 at 9:40 am

Finally someone who speaks the real truth. And there is much more behind it. There are marriages, like mine, where you are bounded to the person for other reasons. Really stuff that you will never say at first glance. Like serious illness and other stuff. So should I be miserable for the rest of my life? Or do you allow me at least have some good moments when I can? Even he said he was looking for just sex you will never know the whole truth. Sorry author marry, have children… wait 10 years and then I will allow you to judge me and your father. By the way… I come from divorced parents and yes my father cheated on my mother. Was he right? No I don’t know…I never had the chance to ask :)

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Sposato Configli March 13, 2014 at 6:07 pm

It’s easy to bash guys for being guys. Here’s a new idea: why not bash the conventional notion of marriage instead? nice guys fall in love with a woman when they are young, mostly in their 20s. convention dictates that they get married so they do. if they are fortunate, they find and keep a job or jobs, buy a house, have a kid or kids, raise the kids, educate the kids, and the kids eventually move out of the home and start their own lives (if they are unfortunate, the guy enters the living hell of divorce and alimony payments, and i am told that is not uncommon these days, but that is a story better told by someone else). the guy does not really want to divorce the wife who he has lived with for so many years. he does still love her. but sex was part of the equation at the time of marriage and now it is not. being a guy, he still has his sex drive long after his wife entered menopause and lost hers. days turn into weeks, months, years… decades…

John: “It’s really important, but too hard to talk about.”

Perhaps I can fill in the blanks here. The woman is exclusive and jealous of John’s ongoing sexual vitality and attraction to other women after her sexual desire and/or attraction has faded. This is simply the nature of being human. Why blame the guy? Why on earth, if she loves him, would she condemn him to being unable to express affection for other women in such a natural way?

You: “Think about it… is it easier to talk about than having to tell your kids you’re getting a divorce because Daddy decided to fuck someone he met on the internet? Sorry, just trying to be real. (BTW, I have NO idea why this guy is still talking to me, but now I feel like I need to fix him.)”

I can feel your pain. Your parents are divorced and you felt forced to choose between your mother and your father at a very early age. It would have been traumatic. You seem to think marriage is the happy ending and you hold your father to blame for a lot of things in your current life. You think you are superior to most men including men who try to be realistic and honest with you, and nice as they can realistically be with spouses who are unnwilling to acknowledge a part of their husbands’ human natures. Why not expend your venom not on men (who are only human and who you condemn for searching for companionship and ways to express affection towards others while trying to minimize damage due to unrealistic idealistic expectations at home by their marriage partners), but towards the totally unnatural and unrealistic institution of marriage as what it really is understood by so many women to be– more than anything else, a pact of exclusion against nature and against human affection for others– instead? You are so willing to dispense advice and “fix” other people for a situation you have never experienced firsthand as a primary participant. Exclusivity is unrealistic. Eventually, most married men can realize and admit this– nature forces them towards that recognition– but most married women can not realize and admit this, because nature does not force them towards admitting it, and society condemns a man for trying to fulfill his natural needs outside the unnatural boundaries of the conventional notion of marriage.

In modern society there is no compelling reason for marriages to be or remain monogamous. The Pill became available around 1960. Even before that there were condoms and other methods. Marriage as an exclusive contract is a concept trapped in a time warp from the pre-industrial age. Most of us junked typewriters for computers. Maybe it is time to call a closed marriage for what it is– a life sentence sexual prison for men with otherwise normal, healthy sexual appetites. Your expressions of indigation are at least in part rooted in the damage done by society to your parents, and not simply by the act of divorce.

Why do so many women harbor such an unrealistic lack of willingness to concede ordinary human nature? Especially after having witnessed the damage that such a lack of honesty in women results in so much damage to children. And yet you wonder why you and your friends cannot get married. In this age, more and more guys realize that conventional monogamous marriage places them at a huge disadvantage. And you better believe they have a radar for the walking wounded who are unable to heal themselves by being honest with themselves and with human nature.

You (in response to John’s confirmation that he had two sons, not a daughter as you had originally assumed): “(yes, this guys becomes more douchey by the second)”
You: ” That doesn’t make a difference.”

Obviously it does make a very big difference to you, because you just wrote that the guy is more douchey for having the decency to answer your question honestly. The question for you should be why do you contradict yourself in public so flagrantly.

You: “(Yes, we’re the weird ones!)”

Yes. From the standpoint of human nature, you and your girlfriends are the wierd ones– not John or the other married guys. You and your girlfriends implicitly seem to regard conventional monogamous marriage as a social and economic crutch for your own insecurities. It does not matter what you think of John, or other guys like John– considering that in the longer term, the entire notion of monogamous marriage as you know it may be confined to the dustbin of history.

Also just because you and your (two!) Victorian-age girlfriends frown on the married guys on tinder does not mean that every woman does. In fact, at least so I have been told, there are plenty of married women on tinder too!

Get up to date with current science on human nature. For example, read “The Dawn of Sex.” In the context of human nature and the desire to express affection without (dry, quasi-legal contractual bullshit) limits, who are the real “cheaters”?

Or, just think about it a bit more than you have indicated so far.

Before you start targeting me with flak, BTW, I am married, never divorced, and have never had a tinder account. I met my spouse 30 years ago. At the time we dated, she did not explain to me that she was in fact in an unhappy marriage. Rather than reject her, I listened to her, and helped her file for divorce from her first (abusive) husband.

Penny Lover: “I hope I never get that cynical. What happened to a little romance and some understanding between partners? A little tenderness and some compromise can go a long way to keeping the flame alive. Then again, I’m not married so what do I know.”

From the standpoint of a typical married man, his wife need never compromise, because she can always divorce and usually get alimony and the kids. So, the world is full of otherwise decent and honest guys in their 40s, 50s, and beyond, stuck with a narrowly and cruelly interpreted marriage contract they unwisely signed on to when they were idealistic and in their 20s.

But other than that, thanks for your honesty.

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Emily Macintosh April 3, 2014 at 7:59 pm

I think this is an AWESOME comment. Thank you so much for sharing! You’re right on many levels and I really appreciate your feedback and for reading.

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Green-eyed boy April 4, 2014 at 6:08 pm

Best. Comment. Ever.

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DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:24 pm

SP, get your own column.

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Tasmo July 25, 2014 at 8:07 pm

Yes. Exactly.

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Tasmo July 25, 2014 at 8:14 pm

*I meant exactly to S.C. but I suppose to DeeGee as well.

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Mile July 19, 2016 at 11:14 pm

Excellent discussion and response. I am married to my best friend. We have been married 30 years and have a great relationship.
Here is the “BUT” our sex life has been virtually non existent for the lastt 10 years. It started slowing down before that but got worse the last 10. I have gotten to the point that I don’t even bother bringing it up. I have managed to quell the urge with porn for the most part. However self abuse only goes so far. I have never gone bar hopping trying for a hook up. I must say if I traveled out of state for work that that might cross my path.
My solution in the last few years is Paying for companionship. I use this option 2 maybe 3 times a year. I won’t pick up someone walking down the street. I am a member of a website that gives a sense of safety for both of us. I’ll be honest I don’t want to get caught up in a sting operation.
This solution although physically satisfying is not necessarily emotionally satisfying. I have had a few encounters with ladies who have been more satisfying than others mostly due to their intellect. Good conversation along with good sex is satisfing.
Tinder has crossed my mind but like so many men I am concerned about privacy.
I love my wife and dont want to hurt her. But damn I have a tough time with the thought I will be celibate for the next 30 or more years.
So I will continue to purchase sex when I get to the point that I just can’t stand it any more and
need a womans touch.

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All10Inches January 4, 2017 at 8:45 pm

Don’t feel too bad man. We’re all paying for sex one way or the other. I shudder at your situation, which is probably typical. I’ll just try to keep banging my way through it all, with the future ex-wife and maybe some of her friends!

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Lorenzo August 7, 2014 at 8:07 pm

I always struggle to say what you just did without going on for pages and pages. That was the most concise and accurate explanation I’ve ever read. When I was young I would have said the problem was with the man. But now as a man married for almost 25 years, I realize that the problem is with the institution of marriage, and not with men. And I hate when people use the word “cheating”.

I have never, ever said the word “Bravo” to anyone, but honestly after reading your post, my brain was literally saying BRAVO. (I also never write or respond to other people’s posts, for whatever that’s worth)

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Emily Macintosh August 12, 2014 at 6:14 pm

I’m really glad people are finding this post as a forum to discuss their feelings on the subject. Thank you for reading and thank you for commenting!

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Jeff August 16, 2014 at 3:36 am

This comment and the first comment by “once married” should be mandatory reading for any man or woman even considering marriage. Even married men gave me false impressions/advice about their own marriages/experiences with being the bread winner for the family until I joined the fold and by then too late… now how to save this article somewhere wifey won’t find it by accident……

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Jeff August 16, 2014 at 3:39 am

side note, yes married no not cheating nor actively trying but I do find reading this kind of thing interesting, and totally agree that marriage is an antiquated system for society.

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Emily Macintosh August 18, 2014 at 4:58 am

Again, just happy this can be a forum where people are talking about this. Love seeing all the comments and glad you’re not cheating or actively looking right now! Thank you for reading and thanks for your feedback!

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Matthew March 13, 2014 at 6:55 pm

What about married men who do tell their wives and their wives are ok with it? My wife and I have an open relationship and we have a set of rules we each abide by. We have a happy sex life together but enjoy experiencing others every now and then. In this case, you have two adults who have agreed to a non-monogamous marriage. It’s not surprising that many women don’t understand this arrangement but it works quite well for us. I’ve attempted to use Tinder but most of the women are looking for a relationship, which isn’t going to happen with me. I do get a kick out of the reactions I get when I tell women about the open marriage.

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JP March 14, 2014 at 6:29 pm

Get married, be married for 6 or 7 years, then re-write this article. See if you feel the same.

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Stig March 16, 2014 at 5:40 am

This topic, a desire to understand what makes us, ‘us’ and them, ‘them’, is generational. But this is some of the smartest, well constructed responses on this topic I’ve read. I can relate to the opinions of almost all those who’ve commented.
My opinion? Blame Disney. … I do (proxy).. We blame each other when we should blame our unrealistic expectations about what it means to be together/married/unfaithful, etc. These are the ideas that have been instituted under the most ideal setting at our most impressionable ages.

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20-Year Vet March 27, 2014 at 8:54 pm

What’s up with all the married men on tinder?
That’s a funny question.
OnceMarried’s comment gave us a very objective answer by mapping out for us how marriages deteriorate and yet the question, “What’s up with all the married men on tinder?” was STILL posted in the comments that followed; this time at an even more desperate and fevered pitch.
The author of the blog post even went as far as to blame the wife of the married guy she found on tinder by writing that the poor old girl needed to “step-it-up” in the bedroom (blaming the victim?).
Blaming wives for not blowing their husbands enough is not the reason why men cheat.
Being sweet and nice as a wife will not keep him from making a tinder account.
Marriage does that alone.

The reaction to this “phenomena” of cheating men on online dating sites is manifesting as a sad, panicked denial. And you all seem to be missing the connection that OnceMarried tried to lay out for you; that this is not about bad marriages or even sexless ones. This.is.marriage.
Boring, soulless, not fun, more-work-than-it-needs-be, all about the kids, the consumerism taking place of joy or happiness, all about the kids, blah,blah, blah, etc., all comes down to what marriage TRULY is.

Funny thing is as I’m nearing the twentieth year of my own marriage I can honestly say that the only reason why I have not cheated is because I feel that having an affair is like getting the witchy attitude in stereo:both ears assaulted with nagging wants, desires, and demands. I’ve seen that dynamic uncoil itself on the married guy trying his hand at being a player and it blows up in his face at least 80% of the time. You think you’re winning with the hot Jezebel side-piece but little do most guys know that she’s got an agenda of her own on the burner. The single gals who are willing to step out with the married man figures out of his own desperation to feel studly again, he’ll give her anything: money, jewelry, or even himself as a future husband. And here is how the affair usually ends as the train-wreck it will always come to when the side-piece is demanding commitment from you as well. LOL! Gotta love it when she has the nerve to ask a cheating man to give her his fidelity and a ring!

On another note, you might think as a single ladies who are looking for single men think that all you need to be is the perfect mate and he won’t seek other pastures. You tell yourself, “that wouldn’t be me”; that you’d be the perfect Sexbot-Stepford wife, but guess what? All of you think that way going in, but you will inevitably become the opposite of the Sexbot-Stepford wife and hey, that’s ok.
I mean if you are dealing with a toddler 90% of your day, and hubby comes slinking back into the house after being in an office full of adults having adult conversations and interactions, I’d bit a bit salty and turned off from giving him sex too.
And guys? Man, I get it, really. Whether she stays as cute as she was when you were dating or not whether she gives you the (often) un-enthused bj fueled by duty alone, you know that this isn’t what you signed up for and it seems the only thrill there is is reliving your dating past, the chase, the excitement of the hook-up.

Personally, I found gardening, gluing my model ships, and my Fleshlight Ice to be far more of a positive avenues to put my energies into rather than chasing single ladies (who will inevitable become a headache for the married guy; BELIEVE me) but hey, to each their own.

And finally ladies, to answer your even more panicked question as to “where are all the normal single guys?”, I think you know that the answer has been under your twitching noses all along: they are there, in the bars, the hookup spots, and coffee houses enjoying their single lives and NOT getting married, that’s where they are and whether they finally decide to do so or not will be anyone’s guess, but one thing I have to say as a married man of twenty years whose working environment has guys in the office ranging between the ages of 22 to 32, they all seemed to have wised up to what LTRs and marriages truly are: soul-cages and they are not buying into the lie as quickly as the previous generations of men.
So if you want to find that “normal single guy” I suggest that time would be better well-spent building a time machine instead of left-swiping or right-swiping on tinder on a Saturday night.

You’re welcome, and have a nice day.

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Emily Macintosh April 3, 2014 at 8:02 pm

Again, a really valid and great comment. This topic doesn’t have a “right” answer and my opinions are my own.

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We all bitch loudest about what we don’t have enough of……mostly (imagined) sex and money.

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Bob April 1, 2014 at 7:34 pm

I think most of these comments are not getting to the point. The men on tinder are not at home they are traveling most likely for their job which they have only to provide for their loving family. If they were at home with their kids and wife hopefully they would not be looking they would be fulfilled. Away from home, bored and feeling relatively unfulfilled they reach out to something that will be able to fill the hole momentarily. Theses married men know how to make woman happy and more than likely enjoy the company of a woman, that is why they are married and not single after all. One can only speculate as to why your parents are divorced but obviously your mom could not accept your fathers behavior. You can place the blame solely on his cheating or you can look at the bigger picture and realize life is not so simple, in this age people really need to be a little more open minded. On another note, These decent men that you are looking for are not out trying to find you they are busy doing the things that they love, waiting for you to find them. Ironically after you do they may be forced to settle down and get a real job They too may have to revel in the idea that some attractive lady may want to spend some time with them. Which just the thought of is enough to brighten their dreary depressing day. You of course will be too busy chasing kids around, cooking dinner and making plans to notice. So why make a fuss.

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DeeGee April 5, 2014 at 10:34 pm

You are making a huge leap of faith in thinking this man has ever used Tinder or has ever broken his marriage vow. Most likely full of crap. John sounds like a turd anyway for using that lame ass woe-is-me routine in an effort to score pity sex. Dude your game is lame.

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AJ April 3, 2014 at 8:33 pm

Once Married said it exactly as it is. I was reading it and felt like it was a playbook from my life. Men actually want so little – just make us a priority later in life post kids – that’s really it, and yet it’s so easy and often that we are disappointed.

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OnceMarried April 4, 2014 at 2:22 pm

Wow – I am NOT her tinder paramour just a guy who found this blog and wanted to share my perspective. Some extremely thoughtful posts here. My original post was sort of a visceral/gut reaction to Emily’s original premise, not an existential argument on human nature or dissertation on a utopian “post-marital/post-religious” order that some here laid out an excellent case for. I am NOT her tinder paramour just a guy who found this blog and wanted to share my perspective. I also found something in virtually every post to identify with. “Blame” for the state of marriage, such as it is, can be placed on so many things: society, pursuit of instant gratification, Disney-fication of our childhoods, the scarring of the previous generation’s divorce culture, economic pressure, unrealistic expectations, etc. In many ways, life is a lot more complicated than it ever was, even where we have so many conveniences that make life easier than it ever was. There are so many pressures from so many places that a “simple” life is more and more difficult to come by. I don’t put all of the blame on my wife for the way things are. 20 year Vet and others have described far more eloquently than I the evolution of a human companion relationship. It’s a damn shame the way it evolves. Everyone goes through it. Love and lust becomes dulled by all of the other demands/needs/wants that exist. Men who are breadwinners but not millionaires are particularly trapped/vulnerable. As someone said above, I can’t imagine the excruciating pain of not living with my children. For now at least, I’d rather live with someone who can just tolerate me and occasionally remember why she loved me for the sake of my best, most beautiful creations. Not only because I know what it will do to their development if we split, but also missing the joy of everyday things. The genuine joy of watching a child learn, grow, laugh and love is like no other. It makes the lack of physical love at least tolerable for the time being, although I shudder to think about how much time is being lost without regular, satisfying sexual relations. I had more sex with strangers in a 3 year period as a single guy than I ever did with my wife in a much longer period. How ironic, you think relationship means steady sex and it turns out that doing it with relative strangers/newcomers is actually much easier. At the end of the day, marriage is what you make of it. There will be good days and bad days. You will not desire your spouse the way you did at the beginning ever again and vice-versa. It’s basically like having a good friend that you happen to have a family with. And there is a lot of value in that. But let’s not pretend that being married is “happily ever after” that we’ve all been sold. The trend toward waiting until one’s 30s is definitely a positive development for the longevity of future marriages. It’s not so good for other societal reasons but we can’t have it all. The truly enlightened thinkers here advocate the “open marriage” concept but society will take generations to evolve to that point. So for now, we have a slightly evolved version of the 50’s. Get some sex on the side when you can, keep your mouth shut and your family intact. Marriage certainly doesn’t need to be the total “soul-cage” described above, but it seems that in order for it to be the fulfilling relationship that it needs to be, almost everyone needs to try harder and be more considerate than currently is the norm. And that ain’t going to happen. So I am going to love my family, provide as best I can, give them the best childhood I can, do my job and teach them how to be adults, and try to keep my money by not getting divorced. If I happen to fall into the arms of another every so often if/when the opportunity presents itself, it’ll be a little something I do for myself and nothing more. I doubt there’ll be any guilt associated with it but I certainly won’t be looking or promising the next Shangri-La to the next girl. Sorry for these harsh realities, Emily. You’re clearly a good woman and you’ll find a good guy. As someone said, there are lots of good guys out there. But they are looking for quality too….and another societal mistake we are making on a colossal level is teaching everyone how special they are. Unfortunately, on the dating scene, a woman is a commodity, especially in a big city. Everyone has breasts and a vagina, and the next hour of every day presents the opportunity to meet a better one. This dance has been going on a long time. It’s human nature. Women only see a lot of guys as not having quality because they are convinced of their own special stature. In my entire life, I have met maybe two women (not my wife) who were truly special above the norm in some way. Those people are rare. The rest of us are average and essentially widgets on a conveyor belt. When people accept that reality, they may have a more open mind about finding someone more suited for them in the long term. But even that path is rife with pitfalls, as people evolve into different versions of themselves about every 10 years or so, and the REAL trick is being able to grow together while giving each enough space to be who they want to be.

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Emily Macintosh April 4, 2014 at 8:45 pm

Thank you so much for reading, commenting, and telling it like it is without getting nasty. My whole point of this post was to share MY thoughts on the topic. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you sharing yours. And thank you for reading more than just this post. I’ve been blogging for years – there is more to me than a couple of married men on Tinder.

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20-Year Vet April 7, 2014 at 6:42 pm

Thank you, OnceMarried. Great answers and replies. And yes, Emily there aren’t “right”or “wrong” answers, but the current state of things sure could map one to the “right” conclusions of what not (getting married) to do.

OnceMarried is on the money on the issue with children. I’d rather see their daily learning and growing everyday than just dump-out and contribute to whatever might happen to them in my absence. So yeah, staying married for them is not a cop-out as everyone says. There are reasons why some of us stay and that is a good reason.

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Blackbrid Singing April 10, 2014 at 6:21 pm

Great blog and great comments. I identify with so much of what is said on both sides of the issue. I have been married for going on 18 years, 3 kids, picket fence, etc… I live in a nice neighborhood and travel a lot for work. I know a ton of men who do the same and are all over the spectrum on this issue.

I read about Tinder in an Esquire Mag article a month or two back (wish these aps exsisted when I was a kid;) and I have to say they sound very entertaining. It is hard not to download it and just see what the hype is about, i’m sure there is more than just single 20 something’s on there.

Anyway, here is another perspective on why men wander even when they have a good marriage. For me I grew up in the 80’s in Hollywood, CA. I was into the early punk and alt scene and I loved going to music festivals, concerts, and clubs. I stayed interested in these things all the way through to today. This is just a snip-it so you can get an understanding of where I am coming from as I dont want to leave a novel on your blog.

Forward 20 something years later, I am not religious and my wife has gone extreme the other way. My kids are now being taught things that I do not believe or stand for. Its a slippery slope. I still love concerts and music festivals but now I go to them by myself (I would much rather go with my wife). I did not grew up with money so a big house and things are not important to me even though I am able to provide them. These things are very important to my wife. She has surrounded herself with friends that are conservative and religious and dont get me wrong, I am social and I enjoy their company , but I have to watch what I say. I on the other hand hang out with music festival, band, tattooed type people that she will not be around. I enjoy travel, outdoors, shows like the Following, Lost, etc but I find the older we grow together the less we have in common besides our kids. This is just some very surface background. It is hard to go from doing everything together to a relationship that has become very one sided. I do most of the things she wants to do so we keep our relationship in tact, but she will not do anything that I enjoy doing.

So its not that my relationship is bad, its just different and I dont see it changing even though we have had many conversations about it. So now I just go with the flow because it almost ended 3 years back and like stated in the previous comments I have no desire to live without my children at this time. It would not be good for them or myself. It is however nice when traveling to find people who enjoy what you do so there is some kind of companionship. It is fun to have conversations and get to know new people. Not always for the sake of a hook up but just someone to hang out with. Unfortunately for older men, I find it very difficult to make friends with other men, so its women.

I know this is a very short surface acknowledgement of the topic but I wanted to share a little with you of my experience. Yes, I am sure there are bad married men trying to just find a hook up and are evil but a lot just want some company to discuss things other than why didnt you make it to the grocery store or why is the garage not clean. I know couples who have open marriages, I know couples who sleep in separate bedrooms, I know wives who play while their husbands travel, I know men who cheat while they travel. I think the most surprising thing to me is how much it actually takes place from both sexes. It takes all types and everyones situation and/or arrangements are different. I used to think like you when I was young too, then I gained 20 years of experience and perspective. Im not advocating that cheating is the best way to fix anything but for some men/women thats the outlet other then living without your kids. What I have learned the most is not to judge anyone because you have no idea of the agreements or issues in any relationship and you will most likely find that your perspective well change as you age and gain these experiences for yourself.

Just my 1 1/2 cents

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Emily Macintosh April 22, 2014 at 7:41 pm

Great 1 1/2 cents! Thank you for sharing!

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OnceMarried, get your own column. Keep your replies pithy goddam it!

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Anon April 7, 2014 at 7:22 pm

This has been a fascinating read and on the whole well mannered for which everyone should be congratulated.

I am married (19 years) and have three children. Over the last five years I have had three great affairs and a few flings. I use a “specialist” website to meet likeminded married women. The relationships are mostly sexual, that is we know what we want but what we want is not anonymous fucking. We have a connection and enjoy ourselves physically. I remain in contact with all three and with the historic two (my current affair has been going for two years) I have a fun online secret relationship where we share our secret lives.

I’m not going to talk morality as this is a subjective issue. I know that if my wife found out it would devastate her. So I am careful. Extremely careful. My relationships are with married women who also have much to lose so discretion is mutually advantageous. I draw the line at friends or anyone likely to be in our social circle. This matters because it dramatically reduces the chances of my being caught and should I be caught would dramatically reduce the social impact upon my wife. I love her and don’t want her to feel the devastation that knowledge of my infidelity would bring. Some may find this self-serving and they may be right. I know that my kids have a loving family home and are growing up so proficient at life it is at times embarrassing and I would do everything for them. The truth is my infidelity ensures this situation continues. Without it I would be amplifying the stresses that my marriage (and I don’t think I’m alone here…) has with possibly terminal consequences for it and the stability and love that my kids so clearly thrive on.

So I am clearly vulnerable to the accusation that all this does is reveal the flaws in my marriage. That may be so, but it remains just an accusation. I know and see the reality and my infidelity makes me a better husband and father despite the paradox that many moralists would see in this statement.

Thanks for reading.

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Green-eyed boy April 7, 2014 at 7:41 pm

Another well thought out and well written comment on this exceptionally interesting board. May I ask what is the specialist website you’re referring to? Ashley Madison (which I find highly suspect)? Or another?

I’m in a very similar situation although I have had affairs with single women whom I knew were trustworthy. The key was letting them know that I had no interest in leaving my wife to prevent them from getting ideas in their heads about future marriage. Single women are also safer because I need not worry about (potentially dangerous) jealous husbands. But there is no question that other married people is a much safer approach. And I fully believe that your affairs make your marriage a better and happier one. If I couldn’t have something discreet and fun on the side there is simply no way I could stay in my marriage.

But — having two young daughters — I do struggle with the question of what I should tell them about men and marriage when they get older? Should I disillusion them early from the whole princess myth, and let them know that men and women are very different and have different needs and desires?

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Anon April 7, 2014 at 7:55 pm

Thanks for the comment.

Re the website I use Illicit Encounters. I am UK based and it is a genuine website. The others out there, naming no names, are just scam-bots to my observation, at least over here.

As for what you tell your daughters, the facetious comment is probably that if they are anything like my daughter fatherly advice is hardly considered gospel! However, in truth I’d find it harder to espouse the Disney-saccharine version of life. Some-people can be monogamous for life some are serial divorcees. I’m not sure we can generalise across the sexes too easily – I share my secret life with a married woman for example. I think it is best for them to establish what they want in life, with our support.

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CarChases April 8, 2014 at 2:39 pm

I was recently messaged by a married man on Tinder as well, and I have seen a few others on there too. I live in Atlanta, not LA. I am also 45, so I was expecting to meet (and have met) divorced guys in their 40s and 50s, guys who have been through marriage and kids already. However, I found a number of dissatisfied married men looking for sex only. I get it, but I know plenty of married women, including those who are working mothers and those who are the stereotypical stay-at-home moms, who have or do cheat on their unsuspecting husbands. Why? Because married men are not all the breadwinners these days, or the sculpted studs with the wives who’ve “let themselves go.” More and more, women are having kids AND working, and they are meeting guys on business trips and hooking up, all that.

As a single woman, I am looking for someone who is unattached and around my age, or a bit older, and I am not looking to have kids. Tinder seemed like a good idea, but I realize now I have to vet very carefully. Word to all of you kids, male or female: Just because some guy or girl online tells you that they have an “open relationship” with their spouse doesn’t mean it’s true. It’s wise to be careful before you find yourself facing an angry spouse in the driveway (which happened to a woman I know, and she was standing there with her young son).

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DeeGee April 8, 2014 at 2:45 pm

Ummmmm…Tinder is for hookups.

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CarChases April 8, 2014 at 3:27 pm

Older people like to hook up too, I just don’t want some angry wife waiting for me in front of my house with a Ginsu knife. Only single or divorced men for my hookups!

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Emily Macintosh May 1, 2014 at 5:19 pm

I disagree! I know a few people who are dating after meeting on Tinder. I feel like there are all kinds of people looking for different things on dating sites and because Tinder doesn’t have any info, people assume it’s just for hooking up. I get more hook up requests on OkCupid than I do on Tinder.

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MrBlifil April 8, 2014 at 5:08 pm

Time and again on this thread we are reminded “Tinder is for hook ups.” Yet there’s a puritanical sensibility at play which concludes that married people hooking up are beneath contempt. I guarantee you married guys on Tinder are also on Craigslist, Grindr, the local porn store, their laptops late at night and everywhere else they can go to get their rocks off. They probably all have issues which fall within the “sex addiction” spectrum. They are ideally looking for a similarly rapacious woman (also with sex addiction issues) who they can use, or who they hope will use them. Because all the behaviors (single, married or otherwise) depend to a certain extent on creating and projecting a false internet persona to get sex, they can’t really be described as “healthy.” They are certainly not authentic behaviors. It’s silly to get hung up on self-identified married men as somehow “bad” or “worse” than other users of the service. Presumably many of these people have boyfriends and/or girlfriends who might disapprove of their hanging out a shingle in order to shag. Yes some Tinder users are going to exhibit particularly predatory tendencies and should probably be avoided. But that seems to me an obvious observation, and part of the entire bargain of participating on Tinder (or any other “hook up” site) in the first place.

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punked April 29, 2014 at 11:38 am

My two cents.
Men and women are just wired differently.
I adore my wife, more so now than when we where married (5 years) but after baby one she just lost interest. I haven’t and don’t think I ever will. But I’m still after intimacy . If I can’t find it at home I’ll look smewhere else. I don’t want to but its that or give up on us. Whish I could switch of the need but at 41 it still keeps me awake. Life is like that sometimes and marriage is about two very different people trying to be the same. FYI, I haven’t strayed but as time goes by it gets tough.

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Jim May 3, 2014 at 9:20 pm

I have had sex with many married women who never told me they were married. I think is better to be open and tell the truth. Sadly typical American women are so hypocrites. They are all about pretending. So they prefer to be lied! Grow up little American girls! You are the ones that cheat on your husband the most, but you all pretend not to very well!

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Loner May 7, 2014 at 9:13 am

There are people who have a partner who has no interest. Never had any interest.
Are these people supposed to abandon their kids and partner, just to get some?

Most woman, when they say no to a married man, they mean he is not attractive enough to justify the offense.

Just my two cents. :-)

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anon2 May 11, 2014 at 10:13 pm

I’ve been married for a decade, and I happen to love Tinder. There’s nothing more inspiring than seeing happy people do things that they love, and learning about new hobbies and vacation destinations!

I’m happy to chat with friendly people as well, as my wife is rather anti-social and introverted, but, as a previous poster noted, I’m old enough to know that sex with one woman is reasonably similar to sex with another one, so I see no reason to endanger my marriage by cheating on my wife, even if she is a bit lazy.

I’ve also known plenty of married women who don’t really care what their husbands do, within reason, and I think that modern ‘merger marriages’ in which the spouses are sexual, emotional, intellectual, and business partners limit the diversity of experiences, and can be quite stultifying.

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Anon May 27, 2014 at 1:51 am

This experience is very similar to those my friends have had. There are married men and women on Tinder, but the men seems to be more brazen about it and the women sneakier.

There are a number of similar, and sometimes hilarious posts on http://middleagedteen.blogspot.com, where this blogger has gone out of the way to expose married guys.

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Ethan June 9, 2014 at 3:48 am

Who are you to judge? How do you know this man’s circumstance? Maybe his wife gave him a hall pass? Maybe he is in an open marriage?

I personally grew up in a very strict religious home. I was taught that all contact with girls (and myself for that matter) was bad. Evil in fact. When I was old enough (20), the first girl I came into contact with that I had genuine feelings for I got married to, because God forbid, I couldn’t have sex unless I was married. So now, I’m 35, and have already been married for 15 years. i have two great kids, and do love my wife.

My friends on the other hand spent their high school and college days doing what most high school and college kids do. Party. Sleep with girls. They spent their 20’s and early 30’s enjoying single life and all the perks that come it. Now in their early 30’s they are all now just getting married, settling down, and having families. My point is, they all got it out of their system.

I on the other hand was so skewed about sex and relationships etc. due to my strict up bringing that I am just finally, at 35, breaking free and understanding what I missed out on. BUT, I’m 35, and have 2 kids.

I have not cheated on my wife, and don’t plan to. We are both open and discuss this issue a lot, and have been slowly opening up more in our sex life. We have discussed “hall passes”, “open marriage” and sharing an “experience” together, since neither of us have had any real sexual contact with any other person.

I guess my point is, you don’t know this person’s circumstance, and your self-righteous preaching to him seems over the top.

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Emily Macintosh June 11, 2014 at 9:35 pm

Ethan, did you read the whole blog? I’m not judging, I’m just getting this topic out there. And if you feel like it’s judgey, it’s MY BLOG. I’m not a news source that has to be bias. I can say whatever I want, just like you have.

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Pink July 17, 2016 at 10:32 pm

They’re both beautiful, but I’m not a fan of little girls showing so much skin. For example, I don’t like the idea of bikinis for little girls, either. I mean, really, what kid worries about tan lines or looking sexy, which is really the only reasons for wearing a bikini. I wondlu’t mind it as much if it were tied a little higher.

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http://www./ December 30, 2016 at 5:20 pm

Well done article that. I’ll make sure to use it wisely.

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http://www.newcoinsgenerator.win/ May 8, 2017 at 3:58 pm

Apparently this is what the esteemed Willis was talkin’ ’bout.

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mkatlin33 June 11, 2014 at 12:28 am

I got news for TINDER..good app for cheaters. Especially if its your boyfriend !!! He’s looking for daytime affairs on TINDER while im at work (he works nights) and playing house at his place during the day or their place..Nice pick up App if you want to cheat on someone..been going on since March 2014!!! God only knows how many women he has had since that time !!! Makes me sick thinking about it!!! My X-BF as of today can shove his TINDER APP and his daytime affairs up where the sun dont shine…feeling good =) .btw watch it ladies if your on tinder..this guy is a smooth talker..hes been a cheater most of his life..lives in San Franciso..works out at 24 hr fitness..Latino style..plays macho man

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Emily Macintosh June 11, 2014 at 9:38 pm

Oh, I have one of those in LA too. It’s like you want to put out a warning sign, but then think better of it.

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mkatlin33 June 12, 2014 at 7:42 pm

I hear ya Emily. Yeah those warning signs you hear are the “Pinging” messages coming from his TINDER app lol. saying : “Time to have afternoon delights” ..SWIPE RIGHT, SWIPE RIGHT !! lol

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gman723 June 27, 2014 at 6:27 am

The author like women don’t understand why men have sex outside relationships… Its a power trip. Your wife can be amazing in bed and if u have the hunter instinct you will want have sex with other women. No amount spicing up the bedroom will change that. Modern standards of monogamybare contrived and there is no need for marriages to break up over a mans power trip.

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11YearItch July 18, 2014 at 8:12 pm

It’s been a month since the last comment so I’m late to the party here, but very interesting post and subsequent comments. Full disclosure: I was looking through Google for insight on whether married men should use Tinder and came across this! LOL. In any case, my situation is much like some of the others. Happily married to a woman I don’t fight with at home, our occasional sex is actually pretty good, and we have four kids that we adore and do our best to raise well. There’s no love lost at home and I’m not trying to lose any of that. My problem is, my wife openly admits her lack of libido and says she wants to do something about it but doctors and medications haven’t done much…yet.

Then she says I can just do her anyway as if that would be at all satisfying. I would much rather hookup with someone outside of my marriage that WANTS to have sex rather than essentially rape my wife. God. She says she’d rather just take it than have me sleeping around. I keep trying to tell her that there are real and serious concerns about telling your husband to have sex with you when you don’t really want it and I refuse to do it. To me that’s a great way to make any instances of fulfilling sex disappear forever.

Right now, I’m only curious about cheating. I have no idea how anyone confidently retains anonymity while actively searching for partners, so for right now we’re sticking with therapy and medical solutions. The fact that we’re both working toward a solution is a great sign and I’m hopeful we’ll figure something out. But, the fact that I’m researching things like Tinder should be a pretty good clue that I have no idea how long I can endure this–I could cave next week, a year from now, or maybe a miracle will occur and my wife will wake up a nympho tomorrow. Let’s hope for the latter? ;)

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Emily Macintosh July 21, 2014 at 9:38 pm

I think it’s great that you’re looking for a solution and making an effort with your wife. You’ve seen the post, you’ve seen the comments – thanks for reading the blog and commenting! And I’m hoping for the latter too!

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Darrell September 8, 2014 at 12:24 am

Hi Emily, I see this was posted back in Feb so sorry for the late replay.

Here’s some feedback form a married Australian guy.

Well… what can I can but WOW! I’m blown away! ….I cant believe I still keep reading posts like the one you put up. The first thing that comes to mind, is maybe she’s just naive? but then I think…no she had her own blog site and appears quite intelligent. So she asks the guy..are you just on here for sex? Are you going to ruin your family just to get laid? So Emily immediately takes the higher ground. She’s the one who needs to “fix” this guy? Please…give me a bucket.

Here’s a tip Emily, you cant fix something that’s biologically wired into the male psyche. “Men are from Mars’..remember??

So woman like you must sit there are think…wow what a coincidence that so many married men are looking to cheat on their wives. Here’s a wake up call sweetheart. There not.

The last thing men want to do is cheat on their wives, destroy their families or let their kids down. Most are hard working decent guys. But were fighting against something that’s wired within us. Our desire for sex (not always with the same woman) is deep within our DNA. But woman like you somehow miss this. Instead your quick to judge, sentence and denigrate. Shame on you Emily.

Of course there are men who are happy and complete in the monogamy of their own marriage and remain faithful their whole lives. So the woman select these men as the bench mark. However I wonder how many of these men if given free choice would enjoy a sexual encounter with another woman?

So culturally we have set the rules…Once married men can never have sex with another woman…something that goes against every urge imaginable to most men. As much as they love their wives they are pushed to the point where they have to “cheat” and be “dishonest” in their deep desire to live out the biological requirements of being a man. And then they get roasted and publicly humiliated by female bloggers..trying to “figure out men”. Wake up Emily..if you haven’t worked it out yet you never will.

So the guy tells you what every guys says..”No sex at home” and you respond by saying they need counselling!…. really Emily? Actually I think its you who needs the counselling. When will women like you wake up. He’s a MAN!!! ..stop trying to fit him into your world.

So you back the guy into a corner and ask “what if this was one of his daughters being treated like this”? He tells you he has 2 sons. He could of gone on the attack, but he didn’t. He gave you his answer…He doesn’t know what to think. He’s caught between trying to work why he feels compelled to have sex with other woman and the love he has for his family. So Emily decides to call him “A Douch”. Nice one.

Here’s what I think. I think woman like you should try and be more understanding standing and less judgemental. Maybe the woman of the world need to re -think their understanding of men.

And before you start using words like “self control” maybe you should look into the catholic church and find out who wrote the guidelines for marriage and society today.

Think about this..if a man wants to make love to different woman..is his intent to harm others or pleasure them. Defiantly he is looking to pleasure himself…so why does this feel such a natural thing to do when millions upon millions of men all over the world feel the same way.

Stop trying throw your model of the world onto the rest of us with your higher ground Emily..your days are over.

with respect

D. x

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Emily Macintosh September 10, 2014 at 8:36 pm

Thanks, Darrell. Obviously, this was written “with respect.” Wow.

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Sara4567 November 6, 2014 at 8:21 pm

What about the married guy on tinder who lures in a single girl and lies. Lies about everything, says he’s divorced but he isn’t. And months later after both parties expressing love for each other and having discussed future plans… You find out he was never divorced after all. Still married with 2 kids. (He told me he had 1 kid but found out he had 2 – why lie about that?) please tell me what kind of man does this!!

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Emily Macintosh November 6, 2014 at 9:48 pm

yup! Those men (and women) are out there too. Do apps like this just make it easier to cheat? So sorry for your pain. Break-ups are never fun, but are so much worse when you discover you’ve been duped. Did you read my “The Other Woman” series? BEEN THERE. It’s horrible.

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Dr. Rosenpenis November 19, 2014 at 7:52 pm

Wow, just searching the net about infidelity and ran across this. Looks like a mass therapy session. I say quit the whining. I just returned from a business trip where I stepped out for the first time 11 years into my marriage. She was everybody’s type young, leggy, stacked and horny. We were both at a conference and a few drinks at the bar led us to no holds barred, anonymous, oh-s0-satisfying no strings attached stranger sex. I don’t know if it was the best experience of my life, but after 15 years with the same person, it sure as hell felt like it. Now all of the philosophical questions have been answered: Will I be sorry? Do I feel guilty? Was it worth it? Let’s put it this way, I love my wife – always have always will. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me, except for maybe our 3 awesome kids. But it is what it is. New pussy was the single most exciting thing that has happened to me since the last time I had new pussy so many years ago. It was great just because it was different. I needed it like you need a massage or a vacation every so often. Being balls deep in another woman just for the sake of it was the thrill of a lifetime. I’ll definitely do it again sometime if I have the chance. No regrets but not down on family life either. In fact, I’m totally rejuvenated and looking forward to those never-ending travel team baseball games.

Billy had a mistress down on “A” and 12th
She was that little somethin’ that he did for himself
His own little secret didn’t hurt nobody…

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ED April 27, 2015 at 4:04 pm

I recently found out my husband was on this site, hes either a liar or these women are just as foul if hes on here hooking up! well obviously a liar, but its disgusting to me that people would do this, how do you explain yourself to the “hook up” wouldnt a person feel like a giant pile of crap doing this and lying about it to themselves, their family and the new found friend, and if honest, these women need to realize that “not finding any decent men” is maybe more their fault than they think!

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Barrrr Tean May 18, 2015 at 1:13 am

You are a judgmental bitch.

Have you been in a long marriage where you love your spouse, but they are always tired, distant, cold, unfeeling? Have you ever watched your relationship deteriorate into polite hellos and good nights….? Have you ever sacrificed your own happiness to save your children the hardship of a divorce. Have you ever waited through years of sadness just to keep your family together, because you love them too much to leave…no matter what you are treated like? Have you? If you haven’t then get off your high horse. Yes, maybe Tinder isn’t the best idea for a married man, but sometimes it takes getting caught to start the ending that his marriage obviously needed. Instead of making him feel bad and telling him he was creepy and that you and your friends were laughing at him, why not simply ignore him?

Bitch.

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Emily Macintosh July 12, 2015 at 4:29 pm

And… thanks for reading!

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azblkman May 21, 2015 at 3:45 am

I wonder what would happen if the rules for alimony and child support changed. If they weren’t so heavily favored for the woman in the relationship how would it impact divorce rates. Would men stay in these relationships where sex is non existent?

Men want sex. Women want love. Women use sex to get love. Men use love to get sex. If the woman stops giving sex men stop giving love. Simple equation

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Elsenorcoco August 5, 2015 at 4:35 pm

Hope someone reads this.
If you agree with the poster, don’t you feel you are just cowardly hiding in what is the folk-righteousness from what is to you a taboo? at least some times?
Once and again i thought i was disappointed at society but getting older simply has taught me that most of these feelings come from emotional thinking, things that your mom and everyone tells you ‘it’s WRONG!’ so you never give rational thought, just emotions.

After seeing (discovering in most cases) multiple adult women having relationships with different people and needless to say, men.. I realized that they needed it. And I need it too, I am torn because my relationship with my partner is very long and I care too much to just go and “cheat”. Absurd. I know I cant convince my partner on a polygamous relationship – because the trauma that was imposed on my partner’s life. It will be too hard to put rational though in there, specially coming from me. And we’re talking a smart, educated person.

My views on the subject really changed after wonderful women (yes, more than one) have actually tried to convince me to have an “affair” and after meeting a wonderful polygamous couple. These people are very happy and healthy mind you all – but ironically they meet each other through not glamorous -even disgusting to me- sites for “swingers”. Even this gets my nerve today, they have to be vulgar and blunt in order to live their lives in our Taboo society.

I dont know what i will do, but I know what I do now: try to open people’s eyes. Mind you that women DO have affaris in high percentages- the independant , rich and productive women DO. It is a blessing of sorts to have my work where I travel so much.. I have come to see that “affairs” are a common. The majority of career oriented women do have one. Am I just guessing? Well, you see 4 different markets, 10 different countries, and age range of 23-50 … 2 out of 5 women happen to have an affair (almost blatantly even) ? That is just too high. In the lower spectrum men going to prostitutes.

Funny part is, older co-workers who simply can’t hide their “tendencies” because when we travel together well, you always find out, accept me and respect my “integrity”. They are bosses, supervisors, managers… It was enough to let them know I wouldn’t sell them out (for my own survival then) to respect me; and now to even put the subject apart and we have positive relationships. Just like someone who smokes.. you just talk to them after their smoking.

You probably imagine a bunch of men also.. well one of the ladies that have offered me such experience was one of my bosses. And I cant help to feel stupid sometimes by saying no to her; because after all she knew what she was talking about and I did not. Hurting her pride is certainly not a minor thing either in the corporate world ;)

I hope my words reach you, lovely human being. Mostly women because I see that fear drives them farther than men. If you truly believe in your monogamy that is good, but don’t feel threatened or disgusted by those who don’t share your view. Learn to look past that fact and treat them like persons.

My bet is that guy in tinder -like all- has a regular sexual life with his wife. There are no problems. He just cant afford to convince taboo women that there isn’t. He also has to get straight to the point because a lot of women will try to “fix” him just like the poster here did. Who know what I can do but I tell you: I am not sad nor depressed nor have an awkward sex life with my partner. I just realized I have fought against my nature all my life:

Delay or regulate compensation is good (like going on a diet) but totally denying yourself is very unhlealthy. You tire. You explode. Same reason I am not a vegeterian ;) I realized meat consumption in our society is unsustainable and uneeded.. but I will keep eating a good steak or grilled sausage from time to time ;)

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Caroline July 17, 2016 at 8:48 pm

I can't believe you di9#dn3&;t say HI! But I can understand why your mister isn't too please. I mean you didn't even know what you ate! I love all the photos… drool!

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Preethy December 3, 2015 at 6:09 am

This is the most depressing blog I have ever read. Andthe men justifyingthemselves , their actions. I don’t judge what people do. I have a lot of problems myself so I know how easy it is to stray. But I personally feel affairs, hookups like alcohol or drugs is just a means of escape from a problem. I have been through physical, emotional ans sexual abuse. I have had a difficult life. I began doing things that I thought would satisfy me. I came across a spiritual person who I had a long conversation with . It just happened. I was talking about life and happiness. This person told me about growth as a person.how each phase of your life is a lesson to grow and learn from. He said escape is a survival instinct .. im not a religious person at all. But I don’t think looking for satisfaction elsewhere is key its just a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Im a single woman who has decided to not get married on a whim because of all the things talked about. I also believe that what’s meant for you never goes past you .

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vena February 16, 2016 at 2:52 am

RE- Your Comment: “At this point, I want this guy to hand his phone to his wife so I can tell her she needs to step it up in the bedroom since her husband is actively online looking to cheat on her.”

Maybe the wife does not have sex with him because he is bad/lazy at sex or has (untreated) erectile dysfunction and this is why he does not want to talk about it. It’s obvious he’s some kind of selfish jerk. Women need to support one another.
Please don’t assume that sex problems in a marriage are (always) the woman’s fault.

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Married4ever May 30, 2016 at 3:05 am

I don’t see many people here who have a clue on the history of marriage. I mean the millennia old history and the way it worked. Yes worked. Marriage has always been a contract between parties. At its most base level a man offers his ability to provide security and his financial means in exchange for sex and heirs. It satisfied the basic needs of both parties – and yes it was a contract – both parties were required to ‘put out’ their part of the bargain. One generation ago it was legal grounds for divorce if a woman refused to provide for her husbands conjugal rights. Do your research and you will find this to not only be true but that it also worked. Flash forward and you find that a man that is stupid enough to say “I do” in a legal marriage contract today no longer has any legal right to his share of the historical arrangement. Oh, but his wife has retained all of her legal access to half of everything he has or ever will have til death do them part. Now I have known plenty of married men that will go to great lengths to deceive in order to bed a woman to satisfy his lust (cheat on a wife that is not depriving him at home) but thats always been the case with men. It has never been the majority of men. The original male on tinder, John sounds to me as a man stuck by the modern marriage “contract”. He can live a celibate married life or risk exposure on an AM hack kist or a blog like this. Divorce you say? Yeah. But it’s gonna cost the man his intimate involvement in his kids lives, except every other weekend and on top of that half his all of his acquired financial assets ….plus alimony!….just because he know longer had access to what is supposed to contractually his. I am stunned that any millennial male would fall for this ‘arrangement’. (And yes I think a woman has just as much physical right to her husband and I’m not addressing the very real event of medical issues that can cause an imbalance to a physical relationship.)

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Laticia July 17, 2016 at 8:33 pm

jill – You have some friends in MN (where it’s really cold) that would love a hat or one of those cool scarves you knit. Of course, they know absolutely nothing about knitting. Guess th12;#8ye7&ll have to continue to buy theirs from a store…

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m&d September 11, 2016 at 6:04 am

If social media apps went down, so would cheating. It’s too easy. Gals are becoming online sex workers (KIK me for money, etc.) and creepers are collecting pics by any means (if they can’t get sex, they are stealing photos for 1) personal reasons 2) share/shame/blackmail/sell. They are made for each other. Look at this reddit chat from today:

Guys help (self.kik)
submitted an hour ago by omiited
I’m snaking this girl and she asked for a pic someone send me link to attractive white person teenager also I have to make look real so taken from a cell phone
[–]-omitted- 1 point an hour ago
Send a pic of yourself bro
[–]omitted[S] 1 point an hour ago
Nvm got her nudes without picture doesn’t matter though total butter face
[–]-omitted- 1 point an hour ago
Lol msg me them

I’m kinda glad I’m not married these days because the goal of love has been replaced with the goal of lust. It’s all about self-entitlement, instant gratification and manipulating others in order to have your cake and eat it too.
RE Marriage: You can try to justify illicit affairs until the cows come home, but we all know it’s a personal choice to do it or not.
1) If you want to get married, so be it…but you give up screwing everyone else.
2)If you get married and want to screw other people, get divorced. Meanwhile, stop cockblocking
the rest of us by trying to get into a game where you don’t belong. Newsflash: We.Don’t.Want.You.
3) And stop chasing
folks who want
Either way, own it. And don’t go chasing people who are as low as you

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Minda September 17, 2016 at 6:20 pm

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Magic stick September 24, 2016 at 1:53 am

DeeGee is a loser. Go bake some cookies with your man you homo!

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Johndriver December 6, 2016 at 11:12 pm

Hi Emily,
This is a while ago, so I don’t know if you are still monitoring this. I do have some comments that I hope are relevant. First, I am not on Tinder or any other dating app. But I’m considering it and my research led me to this blog post.

I’m married. We’ve been together almost 30 years, and sex has stopped. My wife has some health issues (I’ll call them “mechanical”) that mostly prevent us having intercourse, but we can (and did) have pleasureable sex anyway. But the time between sexual encounters has been getting steadily longer, more than once lasting more than a year.

I made an approach last spring. I wrote her a letter spelling out the problem. I said I always liked sex a lot and I have never gotten as much of it as I wanted, but our current lack of sex was depressing. (It is. I think and cry about it way too much.) She did respond, first with anger, then with self-loathing (which I didn’t want to happen), then with a willingness to work on it.

And we did. Over the next few weeks, we had sexual contact a half-dozen times and it was wonderful (even had careful intercourse a couple of times.) But then nothing. And she won’t talk about it. The last time, I told her the next night how great it was and she got angry because “that’s why I don’t like to talk about it!” That has been five months now.

Now I have to say that this isn’t about love. We love each other a lot. No kids, so the only thing keeping us together is that love. We are a great match, something we recognized from the very start and that has persisted for all 30 years.

I’ve never cheated, and I’m pretty certain she hasn’t either. We’re both still attractive people (though more wrinkled and gray than we’d like) so I still lust for her as much as ever. She is loving and (mostly) kind, except for sex. And the plumbing (for me) still works as well as ever (tested daily ;) .) I don’t want to cheat or leave because I don’t want to lose all the good things we have. But I’m not going to my grave without having more sex! So what do I do? I don’t feel like a bad person for considering this, but I suspect actually doing it would make me feel bad about myself. Help!

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MarriedOnTinder February 16, 2017 at 3:59 pm

Not all married guys on Tinder are looking for hookups. This guy obviously was, but not all of them are. But probably the ones that aren’t don’t talk to you and you’d never know it.

I personally do not even talk to my matches on Tinder (ok I had short conversations with 2 women – 1 was obviously a bot and it was funny, and the other girl had a cute cat of a rare breed I happen to know about and I felt the need to tell her she had a cute cat).

The “Gross Married Guys” description is what I find particularly insulting though. It’s probably the reason why some of us end up on Tinder, to try to prove to ourselves that just because we put a ring on our finger, it didn’t turn us into some sexually undesirable horribly disfigured weirdo. I know my wife is turned on by the thought of other women wanting to fuck me, and she knows I’m on Tinder, so being categorized as a gross married guy saddens me a little. We do find it interesting how many matches I have even with my wedding band clearly visible in my pic. All I can guess is that women either don’t find that a turn off, didn’t notice it, or assume it’s a pre-divorce photo. Who knows.

Maybe we’re weird. I mean. I know we are, because we married because we wanted to be together. Not because we wanted kids and a white picket fence. We chose not to have kids at all because we wouldn’t want that to ruin our marriage the way it does many others. I have yet to meet a single person that has kids and said “It’s the most amazing experience ever with no exceptions!” It is always “I love my kids, but….”

I can totally get how guys want to stay in their marriage with this amazing friend they’ve had for their entire adult lives, but miss the passion that was the entire reason they were together in the first place. I’m sure that there’s many guys out there that feel like all their wives past boyfriends got the best of her – the mysterious sexual young being that fit into the skinny jeans and fucked them in the car, in public places, at parties, etc, and all that went away once marriage was the word of the day and the majority of the relationship has become diapers and life/work/financial stress taking its toll.

Sex is important in a relationship, and as we get older, we all want to “do as much as we can before we’re too old to do any of it,” which perhaps gets a little lost in women that are up to their elbows in baby crap and vomit and school events and all the other BS we chose not to get involved in with having kids.

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Emily Macintosh April 23, 2014 at 7:22 pm

Well, that’s just sad. Sex is something that TAKES TWO. If you want to spice it up, talk about it! Women respond to conversation and are more likely to step it up and get adventurous if you’re encouraging and open about it!

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Sometimes it doesn't get better June 14, 2014 at 4:00 pm

Spoken like a true millennial. Do you often give directions for streets you haven’t traveled yet?

The reason why so many men have similar stories is for a reason. Unlike many of the men here I can tell you at least somewhat about the other side. The beginning of my story is basically the same as everyone else. The loss of intimacy was gradual, each missed connection was just due to some small problem at the time. Eventually though that coping mechanism couldn’t hide the big picture, and so I started to blame myself. I saw myself as the butt end of the sexless sitcom marriage stereotype. Like so many others I love and cherish my wife, the idea that I was some kind of Al Bundy to her was mortifying. So I set myself to making sure I was doing a more than equitable share of the housework. To my credit I did know then that the sitcom marriage use of sex as a commodity used by women to extract housework from reluctant husbands was absurd. I was always certain to not play up my additional help as a ploy for sex. My hope that was by reducing her life stress then her natural desire for intimacy would return, this was a crap-shoot.

So here we came to the inevitable conversation: “So… you know… I’m super happy, everything is really great… but… I mean… whats the deal with… and its not a big deal or anything… I just… It seems like we aren’t really being close… like we used to.” At this point she shuts down, she just looks at me with some of the saddest eyes I’ve ever seen. Is there anything I’m doing wrong? Do you want to try something more adventurous? We had a long wishy-washy talk that resolved nothing, but I just couldn’t press her any harder. I could see our conversation was painful for her and I felt like I would be a real schmuck to hurt her anymore over me just being an old horn dog. This is where the next destructive thought process starts, along with blaming the sexlessness on some personal short coming (am I out of shape, unattractive, poor performance, not interesting, etc), you now see your desire for sex as an extension of undesirability. You decide its wrong for you to want it so bad. So you go back to the drawing board and try to work harder at it, if you are just more romantic, lose those love handles, surprise her with simple gestures, keep reminding her that you love her and that she is beautiful you can somehow undo her opinion of you and be what she wants. But never talk about the lack of sex… because if you are a man and you are horny that you are just a desperate loser and its a wonder she sticks around with you at all.

By now I am at teenage girl levels of self consciousness, every small comment gets interpreted by my brain as a slight towards me, and worse I believe I deserve to be dumped on. My desire for my wife kept me trying and my attempts would occasionally lead to sex. But now with my dark mindset and low self esteem I become aware that she is not as into it as I am, and every attempt to spice things up appears to be a chore. This is basically where it fell apart for me. I put my wife on this mental pedestal and laid myself exposed before her only to be rejected.

I still loved her but the urges become so insatiably strong. Its wasn’t an urge for sex, because when you grow up you realize sex isn’t even about sex. Its about wanting and feeling wanted, its the ultimate pleasure of stripping away your armor, your ego, your strength and sharing your own body into another body. Its why memories of good sex can hold together a crumbling marriage for years and why masturbation becomes a better option than bad sex. Pumping into a woman who clearly is just counting the time go by makes you feel like you are beyond worthless, its why we go to dating sites rather than whores. You can say its shallow to want a temporary fix of self validation, but do you truly know what its like to feel completely unwanted.

Lets not forget here that your friend initially liked this man, can you even imagine now what it might feel like in this situation to have a woman at least confirm that you aren’t unattractive. Not just any woman, but a complete stranger someone who has no reason to feed you a white lie. Someone doesn’t have to feel mean because disliking you would be unknown to you. Your whole conversation and comments are a small view of the larger lack of empathy so common among today’s youth. Why don’t you talk about it? Why don’t you try harder to fix it? Don’t you know this would hurt her if she knew about it? Guess what, we did talk. I tried and asked for anything I could do to fix it. To top it off I have already hurt her quite enough with all my talking and fixing. Now you want to know how I would feel if she cheated on me, to be blunt pretty fucking terrible… I’ve been putting up all I got and wanting any sign of interest, my straying is out of desperation to avoid self loathing, infidelity from her end would just be the ultimate sign of my worthlessness to her. Before you assume this comes from anger towards you its not, I never even attempted to cheat on my wife. I am empathizing with a man who has faced rejection from the one he loves most, and doesn’t blame other girls for thinking hes a creep for straying from his wife. He has been honest to you about his situation, intentions, and history of attempts but is some how a douchebag for having only a slight hesitation to a clearly not mentally/emotionally equivocal wife cheating scenario. I would pretty much call him the opposite of a douchebag considering that despite he was called a creep and had it made clear that his (in his mind) worthlessness was an object of ridicule among a group of women, was able to realize that you are getting upset and still ends his departure with a compliment.

Where my story differs from everyone is this. I didn’t even try to cheat, when I caught these thoughts creeping up in my head I decided it must be over. I opted to initiate divorce (not even remotely easy to do without some obvious transgression), what seemed clear in my head was that fire of passion for me had long been extinguished. The night I told her I told her everything, my thought and feelings, all my contrived attempts to reignite our passion, all my conflicting feelings of self loathing, resentment, desire. I said that if she was really just sticking around because she felt contractually obligated or didn’t want to hurt me to not worry about it. And then she broke down, crying so intense she couldn’t even attempt to communicate. It was around this time it finally started to sink in, maybe she wasn’t too happy about the situation either. If you are trying to get the girl your attempts are pretty overt and noticeable even if you go out of your way to draw attention to them, but if you are trying to want to make yourself want another person what do you do? How would you ever tell?

Turns out she felt the same self loathing, that some defect in her couldn’t allow her to share pleasure with me. If I didn’t want to be Al Bundy she definitely didn’t want to be Peg. Every chore by me was just a reminder of her inability to perform her end of the movie happy ending marriage, every advance was just a reminder she was stuck in sitcom marriage hell. So we did work on it together and still do, as two people still in love but with a disability we can’t repair. Once you’ve had the kind of sex that sex is meant to be you don’t need to spice anything up, plain ol’ normal sex is fine because its the feeling inside you are chasing. While my story hasn’t ended yet as we are both still together and ticking I can’t say that I hold much hope for a fix. Something approaching an equivalent might be if some car accident paralyzed me from the waist down, despite a mental desire the physical end just wont hold up, and while I could use any manner of contrived devices to make some fumbling attempt at mimicking the act it just wont be the same.

I do wish the best for you, and for some people this curse never sets in. I hope if you choose to marry that you always feel that passion that makes sex feel like this is what sex is supposed to be. But my situation is probably similar for most of these other husbands, meaning there are reasonable odds for reasons we have no clue you might find yourself frigid.

The bonds you build with a spouse are deep, your self identity becomes built around being there to support each other. Destroying your definition of yourself with infidelity isn’t some primal physical urge, its the culmination of years of silent depression. And like others have said, its not like everything is going to shit, its so easy to amuse yourself for years till you wake up and see how fucked it all is. Try if you can imagine what it might be like to wake up every day feeling like you are failing the person you are supposed to love the most, no physical stimulation or cheesy romantic ploy from him can summon up that fire inside that made sex the kind of sex you want to have forever. You feel jealous that all he has to do is simply get it up, which he can seemingly do on command, hell, in his sleep. You think all he is wants is to just blow a wad like you are a breathing tube sock. Simultaneously you want so badly to be flattered by his desire, why doesn’t being wanted make you want to want?!? Your plagued by fears of infidelity that you have no ground to bring up, maybe you hire a private detective and feel like a traitor for assuming the worst. Or worse some random interaction with just the right guy makes you feel all the feelings you have been trying so hard to conjure up for him. Maybe you turn to 50 shades of grey esqe novels as the invisible cheating partner, its only going to make you sick with yourself when you realize how pathetic it all is. You spend hours wondering whats wrong with you and the sickness in your brain starts saying maybe you should just cheat on him for real. Or maybe like us you lay it all out on the table, with renewed strength in your bonds and the realization that being wanted by anyone else in the world isn’t going to fill the void in your heart you try to work it out. And all your TAKES TWO workings might at best get you hot and bothered occasionally, but more than likely it just turns into another hobby to pass the time while you wait for the kids to finish college so you can travel together and feel like it at least makes sense to not be physical at this age. Because like it or not there will be an age it all stops working, its just youthful ignorance that makes you think its going to be when your hair is grey not when you are 35.

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Toronto December 13, 2014 at 9:06 am

I’m late to this thread, because only now came across it…..
In an interview on Youtube, Mario Vargas Llosa talks about the power of literature (and by extension all the media we consume). When we come out of a book(or movie, or TV show, or article, or song, etc), we have a nostalgia for that “perfect world” created by the writer, actor, director, singer. Everything we consume is a very carefully constructed artifice. With this ‘nostalgia’ for theses perfect worlds, it is very easy for us to be critical of the real world we find around us, in everyday life. Vargas Llosa, in this interview, is speaking about how this can actually be a good thing for oppressed people living under a dictatorship, in that art/literature can provide people with a vision of a better possible world for them. But I think that in a free society like ours, these ‘perfect worlds’ that we consume endlessly can be dangerous, whereby nothing is satisfying to anybody.

I look around on the subway, and 90% of people are reading a book/magazine, surfing on their phone, or have earbuds on – they’re all consuming these ‘perfect worlds’. From these carefully constructed artifices, we all have constructed our own impossible ideals. I see this unhappiness far too frequently in the relationships around me. We all feel we ‘deserve’ the ideal we’ve constructed, without looking in the mirror.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRESII_tXqc

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hmmmm July 30, 2015 at 2:50 am

Talk about it? I cannot wipe off that dismissive smile from my face. After almost 1 year since the blog and so many insightful comments, you are still so far from basic reality. Forget about sex. Think about any moment when you expected something from your friend (forget even boyfriend). Something that was obvious and you did not get. Did you go and talk about it? May be not? And if you did may be after days of cold war? When that frustration and coldness creeps in nothing works.

And talk about what? What is so difficult to understand here that a man needs sex? Did they not lure men by using sex when they needed to nail one down? Did they not talk about how men are sex crazy and they would do anything for that? They all know. We all know. It’s as simple as knowingly and willingly denying that pleasure to the man because you are either frustrated taking care of the house or too tired working outside. If a woman is not happy she will never let a man be happy. And every one would happily quote – ‘happy wife, happy life’. Who wants a happy husband.

I am married for 11 years with 3 kids. Have a wife who i like (i like her face, i am attracted to her, i like to have sex with her but i do not use the word love because i am not a teenager). For me sex is not intercourse. I want her to hold me from behind when I feel cold or when my back hurts. I want to hold her from behind when she wants to turn other side. There is nothing better than holding soft and warm breasts. Yes that’s me. So who is stopping. Well she will be asleep before you even realize. I keep passing remarks to make the mood whole day and then there she is nicely asleep. Well that’s fine. I can still hold her from behind if I want. Yes, for that you may have to get within 4 layers of cloth. Who sleeps in tight t shirts with full bra and a panty and thick pajamas? And if are thinking i should be saying this to the right person. Well, that’s what i have been doing for the last 11 years but of no good. I get some string lingerie to spice up. keep it in open view. No reaction except that ‘i find those uncomfortable’. Seriously, did i ask her to go to her work in that.
I can not hurt my wife because she is the mother of my kids and because I am her only love. Yes, she still uses the words like love. I don’t know what that means though. And she claims she does everything possible for me. For me that everything just includes that one thing. I can cook, i can clean, i can play with kids. And many other cans. And I do all those cans. Still she misses even clear hints of what i have been waiting for a week, 2 weeks, a month or even more. Either she is dumb, or she does not care or she is too lazy or she really gets tired by end of day. And a man’s ego would not let him beg for sex. You can talk more than enough times but after that it starts sounding like begging. At that point you stop and your anger and frustration starts showing up on the family and you end up not doing sex even when she tries to make you happy after realizing after a month or so that this idiot must be unhappy because of that. Seriously.

For me, I am so egoist that I can not have sex with a paid pro. Sex is satisfying only with the person you know and you also know that she needs sex. And probably that’s why i think a dating site where men and women with common requirements meet would be more satisfying. It will still be a bit dicey and risky. I will always be comfortable sleeping full nude on top of my wife but always be alarmed with any other person. But who will explain this to her. Not me. I am done . I would rather keep that anger burning till it explodes into prostitution or tinder.

Now, about Emily’s observation that married men are on tinder. No dear. A very minor percentage of all those unhappy souls are on tinder or cupid. But of course many like me are there reading and writing on the net. Taking out the frustration and also learning from some experienced commenters that cheating is not worth and then going to bed a bit re-leaved to start another day.

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Sean August 16, 2016 at 3:21 pm

But what if talking doesn’t work? Ugh this thread has me anxious and depressed.

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Emily Macintosh June 17, 2014 at 5:30 pm

1. I’m not a millennial. 2. Have you read ANY other of my posts?

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Sean August 16, 2016 at 3:27 pm

Ugh thank you for sharing.

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