Setting Up Your Online Date… Yes or No?

The last few dates I’ve been on haven’t been horrible, but also haven’t been great. I think if you’ve been dating as long as I have you can tell after an hour or so with someone if you want to spend more time with them AND if you have any physical chemistry.

The last date I went on was a couple of weeks ago.  REALLY nice guy. He’s a furniture designer, 40, owns a home, totally has his shit together and is engaging, but after 90 minutes with him I felt like I was either on a new business meeting or was already in the friend zone.  We met for wine. We talked and laughed. I had a glass of red, he ordered a sav blanc (I know… ), but he was a really nice guy.  AND, he picked up the check! (You know how I’m cursed with being left with the bill!)

After the date he walked me to my car, gave me a hug and said he “lets definitely do this again some time.”  Four days later he emailed me.  Just last night I emailed him back… “Thank you again for a nice night! It was so refreshing to have such a great conversation with someone new. I don’t think there’s a love connection, but would be happy to chat anytime and might even have a girl or two to set you up with.”

His response… “Great talking to you as well and sounds good. Good luck in your matching and keep in touch!”

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So, I have a few girls I think I want to set him up with. He’s a nice guy and someone should date him. It’s just not me. What are your thoughts on setting up someone you met online?

 

19 Comments

  1. Go for it.

    He clearly liked you a lot, yet he was gracious when you turned him down. He understands that there is nothing to gain by complaining or pleading for a second date. He would appreciate you trying to help him out (and your girlfriends as well in the process).

    -S

  2. One of my friends keeps wanting to set me up with her failed dates. I keep saying no. A) she’s probably not selling them very well (one she described as the most boring guy she’s ever met but “really lovely, you’d like him”, another one she’d actually fallen for but she thinks he lied to her), b) her and me are like day and night. I keep wondering why she thinks someone who fancies her would fancy me. If I was to ever say yes to a set up like that I’d probably always feel like having her throwaway leftovers…. If he wasn’t good enough for her, why would I settle for him? Writing it out like this it sounds really immature. I know that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. But still……

    1. I really think you should give it a shot. What do you have to lose? And, I get that you think because you’re different he wouldn’t be into you. I dated my ex-boyfriend for a year and he married someone who is the exact opposite of me. Don’t worry about the type and take a leap! If you don’t like him maybe he’s got cute friends?

      And, you should never look at a person being someone’s trash. I thought the guy I went out with was really nice and will be a great catch for someone, just not me. I think if more people set up their just “okay” dates there would be more love in the world. Be bold!

  3. I think that is brilliant. I would think you were a great friend – pre-screening dates for me! Stinks for you that there wasn’t a love connection, but hey if he can be a good catch for someone else, why not try it and see? Worst case scenario, you know that (or at least after 90 minutes) he is a good guy.

  4. Emily, I worry about you. As you have chronicled here for awhile now, for those of us over 30, at a certain point first dates become like interviews. For that reason, it’s difficult to get too high about even a good date anymore. I think we’re all with you on that one. Besides, it gets to the point where it’s hard to trust you’d recognize a good date when you’re on one. It all becomes ho-hum routine, which sucks. And keeps you texting your ex for some booty every so often. What I am trying to say is that you probably would have dug this guy 3-4 years ago but now seem gun-shy when the guy who meets your “good on paper” criteria actually materializes. I have no opinion about passing on to a friend thing because guys don’t do this. Perhaps the problem is coming to a snap decision about physical chemistry but especially about personal chemistry. Obviously, this has never been a problem for the PFC (you can’t help but love a guy who refers to himself abstractly, even in a parenthetical) and if we ever wind up on a date, by midnight it’s very likely you’ll be as giddy (and probably panty-less) as a sorority girl after a frat party. But I digress. Mr. Furniture Maker is EXACTLY the kind of guy you say you’ve wanted. Gentleman, good conversationalist, engaging. But because of your, and probably his, personal hang-ups, everything stays above board and feels friend-zony. This is the unfortunate result of experience and loss of youthful exuberance, however misplaced that often is. And yet, you kicked him to the curb because you mistakenly believe you WILL feel that youthful exuberance again despite what so many first dates have taught you. What’s the definition of insanity again? Something about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Now, optimists will say this is all a façade because you are holding out for PFC to take charge, show you a few laughs and chuck you around the bedroom, but your therapist would call this avoidance or some other hokey psycho-babble therapist-shit.

    1. Hey there PFC, your response is jumping the gun. I have dated several people for more than one date in the last year. Our relationships just haven’t been interesting enough to write about. That being said, I know after one date if I want to spend more than 5 minutes with someone. Furniture guy was really nice, but was also boring and kind-of elitist. I’m sure he’d be a great catch for someone else, but wasn’t for me. Where do you live again?

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  6. Wait a sec, his ordering a sauvignon blanc is a deal-breaker? Significantly worse than discarding him for being Jewish or walking with a limp. Truly shellshocked and don’t know what to say. Unreal.

    1. haha! No the drink choice wasn’t a deal breaker, nor is religion (EVER!) or a limp (really?). There wasn’t a deal breaker with this guy. He was really nice. Just someone I didn’t want to go out romantically with again. Our conversation was lacking and there was no physical chemistry. That was it. Otherwise, really great guy who I’m sure will make some girl very happy.

  7. Along PFC’s thought process, I have to ask if perhaps you discarded him too quickly? I know you want butterflies and fireworks – we all do! But not every flame starts out with an ignition switch. Should you subject yourself to dating a guy you’re not interested in or at all attracted to? Absolutely not. But if you at least have a nice time and don’t get the willies from him… I think it could help to extend your threshold a bit to make sure you’re not being too hasty. Worst case, you had a second date with a really nice guy. Where is the harm?

    When I first met my now husband (we’ll call him Tim), he was living in DC and I was in NYC. I thought he was very cute and super nice but he lived too far away. Besides, I always wanted a guy who had that “edge” — my own personal Mr. Big, if you will. There are plenty of guys in New York who fit the bill, but they were all pretty jerky and treated me like an option. Tim doesn’t have that cocky self-assuredness that I was always attracted to – and I, too, had thought of setting him up with a girlfriend of mine who actually lives in DC. Perfect, right? But after a couple of weeks talking on the phone and getting to know him, I realized I wasn’t giving this one away! Less than a year later we were engaged. Had I met Tim even 2 years earlier, I probably would have said he was too nice and not given him an opportunity at all.

    My point, Emily, is that sometimes you just need to give things a chance (within reason) to play themselves out. The funny thing about life, fate and love is that you just never know how it will all come together <3

    1. OMG! You guys KILL ME! As a reminder, I only write about things that are interesting in the dating world. The topic of this one was setting up an online date that you’ve gone on. I go on LOTS of dates and I know very early on if I’m meshing with someone. Please note – he didn’t call or text – he freakin’ emailed me 4 days later. If he really had a great time on the date why did he wait so long to reach out? The feeling was mutual on this one. We’re both nice people, but not for each other.

      On another note, very happy for you and Tim. That’s great news and proof that long distance can work if you work at it 🙂

    2. If you feel you’re giving guys a fair shot on a date… well, then, you would obviously know that best! We’re not on the dates with you (even though it kinda feels like we are!) And I agree… 4 days for an email barely counts as effort.

      To the point of your original topic… I obviously thought of setting up my husband before he was my husband with a friend. I think it’s great – but curious if any guy has ever taken you up on that offer?

    1. Thank you for your comment – not sure how I missed all of these people bashing me! Tweet me next time! 🙂 Here, I thought I was doing something nice by trying to set him up!

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