Post my lifetime movie break-up I have finally rejoined the land of the living and jumped back into online dating in a major way. I’m currently on Tinder, Hinge, Match and OkCupid. It’s a fucking full-time job! But, don’t get too excited… in the 2 weeks I’ve been on I’ve received several cringe worthy messages.
Now, there were 2 nice guys I was emailing back and forth with. 1 has since moved to Santa Barbara for a new job and the other just hid his profile after sending me 1 message. Fun times.
Here are 3 gems that I received in the past week. Someone please put these on Reddit so people can learn from their mistakes… or the internet can just make fun of them, because right now the only words going through my mind are “Oh, hell no” and “sorry, not sorry.”
“A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ‘Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’ The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ‘The driver just insulted me!’ The man says: ‘You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.’ What’s your story?”
“Subject: QUESTION FOR YOU
I like it that you are spiritual but not religious. They should just make a site with that requirement since they have Christians meeting spots and all that right? My name is Jeremy and I live in downtown los angeles. I like your look (pretty face and sexy legs!!!). You even look like you can be tough at times. For instance, if we were together and a mean asian lady approached us and started getting rude with me (which happened in real life the other day) you look as if you might actually step in and become my protector. Can you see this happening? If so, great. A female bodyguard against mean asian women would be nice, original, and a reason to learn more about each other. Don’t worry, everything’s mutual, I got your back with all else. Thats what team mates are for.”
*please note I have no ill will towards any ethnicity!
Now, this next one isn’t so bad, but it’s SO indicative of the dating scene in LA. I’m 34. Not 44. Not 54. I don’t want to date a man who is 55. Thankyouverymuch.
“I read your profile, and would like to have a conversation with you to see if we would like to meet.
Yes, I know you are 34 and I am 55. However, please consider the advantages: I am probably more successful and considerate than a younger man, and perhaps a more positive influence in your life. If we speak on the phone, you may find that you prefer a man my age (who is 6’6″ and in great shape).
If you don’t wish to provide your phone number, then let me know the best time for you to call me, and I will give you my number.
I look forward to hearing from you.”
So, there you have it… dating. In your 30s. Fun times, people. Fun times.
** The Other Woman update! I’m working on it now. Trying to transcribe a bunch of our texts, gchats, etc. so you can get a better idea of the aftermath. Hope to post soon – thanks for being so patient!