Are men just getting more bold or do they literally just not give a fuck about anything? Yes, this is the only thought going through my mind as I scan my inbox on my online dating apps… Here are a few gems to give you an idea.
Lets start with Bryan (with a Y):
Bryan is 37 and his profile only reads “no hook ups please.” So, my first thought is FINALLY someone who doesn’t JUST want to sleep with me. WOO HOO! Then, we had this conversation…
Me: H! Just wanted to say hi. How were the holidays?
Bryan: Well, I’m in Jamaica at the moment.
Me: I’m jealous. It’s currently freezing in LA right now!
Bryan: It’s ok. I’ll be home soon to keep you warm… if that sounds good to you? Maybe some big spoon, little spoon?
Me: (I’m thinking… Aw, cute!) Sounds good!
Bryan: Wanna text till then? I could use more sexy selfies of you (DERAILED! DERAILED!)
Me: (Trying to get things back on track…) Happy New Year! How was it?
(Me: Ok, well that doesn’t even deserve a response.)
Me: Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you sooner. You ready to come home? How was your trip?
Me: Hey big spoon, welcome home! Maybe a drink this week?
Bryan: How bout some naughtiness?
Me: Really? I’m not gonna lie. I’m bummed. I’ve seen you on a few dating sites over the last few years and always though “that guy’s cute!” I was excited when we matched and started chatting. I even messaged to see if you wanted to get a drink this week, So, you can how I’m a little disappointed when the guy who has “no hook ups please” on his profile ignores all of the nice things I’ve said and asks for sexy selfies and naughtiness. I’m down with those things after a while… but really? I’m the kinda girl you bring to meet your friends and family.
I wait patiently for 48 hours to see if he’ll man up and say anything. No response. I unmatch.
Then, there’s this guy… 0% match, no picture and 10 years older than me.
I was NOT going to let this get me down, so I started chatting with a new match on Tinder. Bo (yes, he has a dog name, but looked cute!). Bo and I messaged for 3 days. Until… he asked me if I had instagram. I told him yes, but it was private because I have nieces and nephews and prefer to keep my personal life outside of work private. 5 minutes later… he unmatched us.
Last week I had not 1, but 2 what I thought were good matches!
And that leads me to Adam. 33. Lives in the South Bay (the beach in LA). Pictures of him surfing, playing with kids in some third world country, etc.
Me: Hey there!
Adam: Hey there. What are you looking for on here? (Ps. His profile says he’s Christian and I didn’t hold that against him!)
Me: I know I’m the minority… I’m actually always looking for the one. If I wanted a hook up that’s much easier to find. And if I can’t find the one right now, someone fun to hang out with who thinks I’m cute and fun too isn’t a bad runner-up.
Adam: I think there is a mixed bag on here of what people want. I think you are hot. And… you love wine so that’s a win.
Me: You’re pretty cute yourself. So, what are you looking for on here? And yes, I’m a wine fan.
Adam: So, I’m very open to meeting someone on here that could turn into something serious. I guess I just never imagined meeting my wife on tinder.
Blah, blah, blah… we talked about sides of town, hobbies, etc. Then this weekend I get this…
Adam: FYI. I’m prob getting off this tinder thing. I think my motives were pretty shallow in joining.
Me: Haha! Okay then! So, no drink?
Adam: I’m just not sure.
Me: Wanna give me more info?
This was yesterday. This morning he had disappeared from my matches. Are you singing “another one bites the dust” like I am right now? #newthemesong
Last, but not least, we have Chuck. 32 and oh so nice, yet oh so far away.
Chuck: Well hello there! You seem like you could be very genuine and sweet and you wear that smile so well. What’s your favorite ice cream and why? (You guys, he seriously wanted to know what kind of ice cream I like. It’s not a sexual innuendo!)
Me: I’m a McConnell’s mint chip kinda girl. It’s tastes how ice cream is supposed to taste. You?
Chuck: Haha! Nice! I like Rocky Road because I love peanuts and the marshmallows set it off (Now as I write this, this convo makes us seem like we’re in the 5th grade.) I’d love to take you out sometime. When’s the last time you had yourself a fun and respectful date?
Me: I honestly can’t remember! How sad is that? Where in LA are you?
Chuck: Burbank. Wait… where are you?
Me: Santa Monica.
Chuck: Ohhhh! I didn’t realize until JUST NOW that this app searches in relation to your “current” location as opposed to where you live. I live in AZ. I’m here in Burbank at the airport heading home from a work trip.
Me: Well, there you go! You were far too nice and tame to be in LA. Good luck finding love in AZ and safe travels!
Chuck: Well, this sucks! You seem very sweet.
And there you have it. My dating life is not starting a bang. It’s starting with a thud… but, at least it’s active!
If you have any good dating gems I want to hear them! Email me! email@example.com